The Four Byrd Boys

I have been way behind in my blogging, and I apologize. I have so much that I want to write about, in all aspects of my life. But today, I’m going to do an update on ALLLLLL of the Byrd Boys! (There’s 4 of ‘em, you know.)

---AIDEN---

Aiden has been doing so well. I could not be more proud of my oldest boy.  Speech problems, behavior problems- they are all a thing of the past. Sure, the kid is 4 (going on 12) and cops a ‘tude every now and then, but that’s pretty normal for a little boy. He is so smart, and so loving. I don’t know why, but I was expecting the worst when we had both the twins back home. I wasn’t SO apprehensive when it came to Aiden, but I was worried that he may get his feelings hurt when mommy had to tend to two new babies instead of play all day with him. However, Aiden took to being a big brother better than I could have ever hoped. I mean, he knew he was Jaxon’s brother but because they’re so close in age, I don’t think he ever registered being a BIG brother. As soon as the babies were settled and he overcame being shy around them, he started to step into the role of their protector and loves on them CONSTANTLY.  I’ll walk out of the room for a second and when I come back in; he’s hugging, kissing, talking, and always trying to make them laugh. He’s so gentle with them; I’ve rarely had to correct him around them. He knows that they are little and precious and loves them so much. It just makes me so happy. He is still my sensitive boy. He is very kind hearted, silly, and...well...kinda clumsy. Haha. He is fully potty trained, with very few accidents here and there. He loves dinosaurs, robots (including transformers) and loves to dance and sing. His favorite color is RED (which he will remind you-constantly) His favorite songs are “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”, “Hey Jude”, “Let It Go” and “Robot Rock”.  His favorite foods are fruits (peaches, apples, grapes, melon, oranges), cereals, and pizza. I just asked him what he wants for his birthday and he says “Presents.” Lol. I asked him to narrow it down and he said.....”A transformer-a BIGGEST ONE!” Well...there ya go.

---JAXON---

Oh, Jaxon. My little Tasmanian devil. When we first brought the twins home, I was very pleasantly surprised. He was very careful around them. He didn’t have as much interest in them as Aiden, but still watched out for them and helped out when I asked. He always reminded me when we’d leave the house “Momma, get your babies!”. He was still attending daycare, and that place is amazing. His behavior had improved so much, days spent with him we actually enjoyable. I know that sounds horrible but while I was pregnant, Jaxon worried me. He was very, very hard to handle. He was violent, and didn’t listen and nothing was working. Right before I got admitted to the hospital, we found the new daycare and it had been absolutely wonderful. Because of the situation with the twins, and then my surgery shortly thereafter, Aiden and Jaxon could keep going to daycare with state assistance, and it continued that way until the end of July. There was a mix up with health and human services and until they corrected their error, both the older boys had to stay at home. At first, it was fine. But then I started to notice regression with Jaxon in his potty training. He was doing really well while in daycare-Potty trained through the day, and needing a pull up at night.  But after staying home for a week (even with me doing frequent “potty breaks”), he was still wetting his pants during the day and soaking through his pull up at night. His behavior also took a turn for the worst. It was not as bad as it used to be, his violent tendencies were still almost zero, but he started to blatantly act out and not listen. The absolute worst thing that came about, however, was the whining. This kid whined constantly. All day long. About EVERYTHING. It was driving me crazy. I know it was because he was bored. I couldn’t provide him the kind of physical activity he was getting at daycare. We have a park nearby, and we used it. We have a pool- and we used that as well. But, it’s extremely hard for me to handle all four of the boys by myself-so those activities usually waited until I had an extra pair of hands to help me out. Fortunately, the daycare situation got worked out and I do have a plan for when the state assistance ends. So, he’s currently going during the week and his behavior seems to be getting back on track again. Apart from behavior issues, he is incredibly intelligent. All of his teachers have pulled me aside to tell me how well he’s doing. He knows a lot of letters and words, and can count pretty high. He also can build crazy intricate things with blocks, Legos, and he even made a huge pyramid with Dixie cups. It’s so funny to see a little boy with so much energy sit down and concentrate so hard on building. He is still an energetic, adventurous little boy. He’s silly, loves to laugh, and loves to explore.  As of right now, he is still partially potty trained- mostly using the potty during the day and a pull up at night. Some accidents if I don’t remind him to go.  He loves his new yellow chair, his blankie and stuffed puppy named Bo, and like I said, he loves to build.  His favorite songs are “Wheels on the bus”, “Twinkle Twinkle”, “Jesus Loves Me”, “Helter Skelter”, “Let It Go”,  and “Atlas”. His favorite color is Green. His favorite foods are apples, strawberries, sandwiches, watermelon, cheese, and cheeseburgers. Jaxon wants “dogs” for his birthday. He’s obsessed with dogs, lately.

---GAVIN---

Gavin is my only blue eyed baby! He’s such a sweetie, and for the most part very easy going. When he wants something, though, he is much more vocal than Christian. He is pretty big, at almost 18 pounds (from his birth weight of 4lbs 15oz!), and long too! His favorite person in the world is his Daddy. He just lights up when he sees Phillip. Gavin is a better sleeper than Christian, usually falling asleep around 9 or 10pm and not waking up until 5 or 6 am. For the longest time, we had the twins on the same feeding schedule but as they’ve gotten a little older, we decided to let sleep during the night as much as they wanted, rather than wake one if the other wakes. Mommy has been terrible about putting both of these babies in the crib. Gavin prefers to be upright and on his side when he sleeps. So when I do out him in the crib, I prop him on his side the tiniest bit. That’s controversial, I know. But I assure you, he is safe. The biggest problem with the crib is that he tends to wiggle down and gets his legs stuck in the bars-causing him to cry and Mommy to have a heart attack. Now that he can move around and turn his head much better, I purchased a crib bumper. Hopefully that helps with that issue. On his tummy, Gavin is lifting his head almost completely and looking around. If I brace my hands against his feet, he pushes off of them in an attempt to wiggle. He is close to an army-style crawl, I think. He has rolled from back to tummy a few times. He is quicker to laugh than Christian, and thinks it’s HILARIOUS when Daddy claps at him. He is taking 6-7 ounces around every 4 hours during the day, and has just started rice cereal and bananas, which he loves!  Also, though some won’t believe me, he has said his first word! He says “Hey” when I ask him too. I have witnesses!!  I call Gavin “Big Boy” “Sweet Thing” and “Baby Boo” and “Pudge”

---CHRISTIAN---

Christian is my only brown eyed baby!! I never thought I’d be so excited for a child to have my eyes. But, he certainly is. In fact, out of all my kids, Christian looks the most like me as a baby. Dark hair, dark eyes, and a more olive complexion than his brothers. I joke around and tell people that Christian is my grumpy guy. He does tend to look very serious or worried a lot of the time. However, when this baby smiles, his WHOLE face changes. He has the sweetest smile. He is more needy than his brother, and though is not as loud as Gavin, he is quicker to cry or fuss.  He is almost 16 pounds (birth weight 4lbs 9oz) and only a tiny bit shorter than Gavin, though he looks and feels much smaller.  He falls asleep around the same time as Gavin, and would much rather sleep in his swing than just about anywhere else. He wakes up, on average, around twice a night, usually once around 2am, and then again at 6/7. He has less of an issue with wiggling around in his crib, but wakes up much more frequently if he’s flat on his back. On his tummy, Christian lifts his head only for a few seconds at a time. He is much more comfortable in a sitting position, than in a crawling position. HE HATES TUMMY TIME. Though Christian smiles more readily, his laughs are few and far between. But, man, are they adorable.  He, too, is taking around 6-7 ounces at a time every 3-4 hours. He was less enthusiastic about the rice cereal and bananas but seemed to enjoy them, once he actually managed to swallow some. J I call Christian “Bubba” “Boo Boo” “Sweet Thing” and “Leetle Peanut”.

Well! There’s all there is to know about the four Byrd Brothers! I hope you all are doing well and stay tuned, as I will be updating soon about my continued journey in finding God (here’s a hint, an otherworldly message from both Aiden and Jaxon- and my first time drawn to worship at the altar.), my decision to get fit (day 3, hoping to hit 2 miles walked tonight.),  and my battle with depression, self-worth, and confidence.

Have a wonderful day.

My journey with God.

My goodness, it's been a long time since I've written. To give myself a little credit though...I've been parenting four (COUNT EM, FOUR!) children. I will do another entry with updates on all the boys.
This entry, however, will be about an experience I had in church.
I'll say up front, I was born with a Jewish mother, and a Catholic father. I embraced both sides, but never really in a religious sense. On my mother's side, we celebrated Jewish holidays- mostly getting together on Passover, Hanukah, and Rosh Hashanah. On these days, all I really remember were the meals (with the exception of Hanukah...I remember lighting the candles with my mom. I also remember going to a celebration in Mission Viejo, where they sang songs and passed out dreidels and latkes) and the family. We never saw my dad's family much, as we lived in California and most of them lived in Nebraska. But, we celebrated Easter and Christmas- however the emphasis on these holidays were much more geared towards family, rather than faith. You know...chocolate bunnies and presents from Santa. And, I was okay with that! I never felt like I was missing out, I never really gave thought to a higher power. My parents taught me good morals and values. I was accepting of all people and strove to be the best person I could, simply because it was the RIGHT thing to do. I never saw religion as a bad thing, or a good thing. It just existed and I wasn't a part of it.
I attended church with friends several times. I remember having fun in several different churches, but I never really understood what they were talking about. I mostly saw it as a get together with friends, with breaks in between to watch VeggieTales. (I watch them with my kids, now)
However, in 2 different churches, with two different friends, I had some bad experiences as well. I never told my friends, I never told my family- it just happened and I buried it inside. In one event, I was pulled aside by a pastor and asked my background. When I told him how I was raised, he took me by the hand, led me to a small room with a desk and a chair, put a Bible in my hands and told me to read "From here, to here". Now, I was always an avid reader. But this Bible had words I had never even seen and it made absolutely no sense to me. He left me in that room for what seemed like hours (I'm sure it was only minutes) and when he came back he said "Do you understand what you read?" And I said yes, even though I did not. He then said "The only way to get in to heaven after you die is to turn away from the life you've been living and surrender to God." I vaguely remember nodding, and being somewhat depressed the rest of the night. I was around 7-8 years old.
In a different church, with a different friend, I had what I think was a youth pastor ask me what I believed in. When I couldn't answer, he asked me to leave because "The message would be lost on me." He sent some teenager to watch me while I played on the swings and waited for my friend to get out of youth group.
After these events, I had zero desire to attend church. I went a few times again, mostly to spend time with my friends, but I was wary of all the older people. I didn't want them asking questions. As I grew older, my view on the church and God became negative. I didn't believe in God, per say. In my heart, I always believed in a higher power. And I never believed that when you die, your body simply stays in the ground. I had seen things, felt things, that told me otherwise. I refused to believe that your soul, the essence of YOU, dies with your body. But I could not say with absolute certainty what happens. I would not say that I believed in God.
As a teen, at the peak of all of my depression and angst (an issue for another entry, perhaps.), I was very much into music and...other things...that told tales of death and evil and drugs and sex...and I loved it. Let me explain. The anger that I heard in my favorite bands' voices, the lust, and the STRENGTH- made ME feel empowered. What I wore began to change, how I spoke, the activities that I did...everything changed as my view on life changed. In my late teens, early twenties, I was more concerned with having fun in my own ways to even think about God. I labeled myself as "Agnostic" and didn't get much deeper in explanation.
When I began to talk about marriage, my one stipulation was to have a nondenominational service. I wanted the union to be based on LOVE, not religion. When I did get married, it was in a court house. Not my first choice, but it served for the time being. And then I began having kids. I was so lost as a human being after Aiden, and while pregnant with Jaxon. In the middle of a very trying time in my life, my husband and I started going to a counselor, who also went to a church that he highly recommended. Having really no where else to turn, I agreed to go. When I entered the church, I was extremely uncomfortable. I put up a wall and I felt like everyone knew what I was. These people were my enemies. They didn't want me there. It was a halfhearted attempt, in my part.
After going a couple times, I began to become a little more comfortable, but I could never go on my own. I never prayed. I never read the Bible. I just....went. After I had Jaxon, the turmoil in my life came to a head. With everything going on, I stopped going to church. And I put it out of my mind, until about 6 months ago.
We decided as a family to give church another shot. I was pregnant with the twins and the older boys had been asking about God, after attending a Catholic daycare. The church we had attended in the past, New Life Assembly, had fantastic opportunities for kids, so we started going again. Shortly after attending a few times, I had the twins. In the hospital, one of the pastors came to visit me. In every other situation, his visit would have made me uncomfortable. But, I was alone when he came, and he brought with him a sense of comfort. I enjoyed talking to him. He prayed for me and the twins while he was there, and instead of feeling awkward, I felt grateful.
We started attending every Sunday, and had the twins introduced to the church once they were out of the hospital. I started to notice that not only was my opinion on the people going to church changing, I started to look forward to going. I still didn't pray. But, I had read some of the Bible and I enjoyed learning about it. I really liked listening to the church's new(ish) pastor, Pastor Jeff Baker. He was younger than most of the pastors I had seen and I felt like I could relate more to him. Some people started to recognize us at the church and always greeted us. Our names were now showing up under the regular attending name tag board. I was asked to help in the nursery, and enjoyed that. I volunteered to do it again. I felt GOOD after church. Happy.
Two weeks ago, something happened that I have never experienced in my life. We attended like normal. We sat through Pastor Jeff's sermon (a message about Praise and Prayer) and stayed for some of the worship songs afterward, as was normal. However, during the first song, I started to feel really strange. I started to get kind of lightheaded (which I attributed to not eating breakfast yet) but then I started to get chills. I've had chills before, obviously, but nothing like this. It was like jolts of electricity running down my arms and into my finger tips. Goosebumps hit my skin like crazy and my heart was racing. All of the sudden, I wanted to cry. Like...bawl. For no reason. And this wasn't even the weirdest part. I kept glancing at a man across the sanctuary. I did not know who he was. My eyes were just drawn to him, continuously. He was crying and had his arms lifted up while praising God. I had an overwhelming urge to hug him, as strange as that sounds. I literally wanted to leap over the pew and run to him. He started to move, and I saw him walk towards the exit. In my head I heard a loud voice say "NO." and I was adamant that this man must stay in the sanctuary. I continued to watch him as he turned away from the exit, and took the stage. This man, whom I previously did not recognize...was Pastor Jeff. I have no explanation as to why, in that moment, I did not recognize a man that I seen dozens of times before. I have no explanation why I wanted to wrap my arms around someone I believed to be a stranger. And I have no explanation why, when he took the stage it was like a veil had been lifted and I saw him clearly. He took the stage once more to pray, and I felt everything inside me liquefy and go heavy. Every part of my flesh of my front seemed pulled forward, until I was closing my eyes and praying with him. And I was praying HARD. Something I've never ever done before. When I left the sanctuary, my eyes were huge and my whole body was shaking. My arms, my legs...everything. My husband was asking me what was wrong, and I told him that I was fine...nothing was wrong...but that something had happened. I did not want to tell him right away though because it felt so....personal. It felt so intimate and strong that I wanted to keep it with ME. Eventually, though, I did tell him. And I've told a lot of my friends. And now, I'm sharing my story with you.
That was two Sundays ago. Last Sunday, I went to church wondering if that would happen again. It did not. I felt a slight tingle during the worship songs, but nothing close to what I felt before. I had a very strong desire to speak with Pastor Jeff about what I experienced, and last Thursday afternoon, that is exactly what I did. It was a good talk. I told him this whole story and listened to what he had to say. He recommended some groups for me when I expressed interest in learning more and growing in my faith. I also brought up an idea that I had about photography in the church, and he said he would point me in the right direction. As I left the meeting, right as I was about to walk outside, I passed a room where someone was practicing on the guitar. It sounded like one of the worship songs that I had had an experience during. And I felt peaceful.
(Quick sidenote- I am writing this entry as my boys are running around playing. My three year old- who, as far as I know, cannot read yet, was cuddling up to my right side and watching me type. He was muttering something incoherent, as he often does. But then he looked up at me and said "Momma, Jesus, God, Elijah." I looked down at him and said "What?? What about Jesus, God and Elijah??" And he pointed at my screen and said "God." I said "Where do you see God, baby?" He pointed at the screen again and said "All over it." So....take that how you will.)
I'll leave you with some final thoughts. I'm still very much at a crossroads with my faith. I no longer thing of things like this as coincidence. The sermons, how they line up with and have something to do with my life every single time. The strange happenings, how things get bad but somehow they always work out....how my three year old son knew I was writing about God when I never told him...they cannot all be coincidental. I look forward to becoming more active in our church. I look forward to learning, and growing more. The most important thing about all of this is that above all else, I want to be a better person. A better mother, friend, and daughter, but most of all a better human being. While there are still things I struggle with- like things I support that may be frowned upon, things I say, music I listen to (Where does all of this fit in on my journey??), I look forward to being someone my family, friends, and my church can be proud of.
Thanks for reading...I know I will be keeping you updated through this.
Always,
Jessica

Twinning.

I suppose while I have some time I should blog a bit. I don't mean to neglect my blog, in fact there are plenty of times throughout my days where I think to myself "Oh, I need to write this down. I miss it." But things, as you can probably imagine, are busy and new and when I do have down time, it is so much more appealing to introduce my head to a pillow. Pillow, meet head. Head, pillow. This is going to be a very comfortable relationship, I can tell.
For now, though, I've got a very content baby in our Cradle n' Swing, that we bought second hand from a friend (Thank you again, Eva!!) and another baby right next to me telling me about his dreams. Or he could be telling me off for taking a second too long with his binky. I'm sorry, Christian. Your binky fell on the floor and Momma needed to wipe it off. I do this for you, dear son.
Anyway. Life has settled into a routine, for the most part. Aiden and Jaxon go to daycare during the day, and I'm home learning new things about the twins and trying to keep up. They really are doing so well, I'm so happy to see the progress that they've made. I can't wait to post the plethora of pictures I just sent from my phone. You all are in for some serious twin spamming.
I figured I'd describe the twins one by one, as I'm really getting to know their individual personalities.
Gavin, was born first at 4 pounds, 15 ounces-making him Twin A, or Pudge, as I call him. Well, we went in on Monday for our first well baby check and shots. Wanna know why I call this baby Pudge?? He weighed in at 9 pounds, 3 ounces and 21 inches long. Holy cow! This could have something to do with the fact that Mister Man wants 5 ounces at one time when he eats. Pudgy boy. I love it. Anyway, Gavin and I got a routine down while Christian was still in the NICU, but I think we were both so happy to be home from the hospital that a lot of our time was spent cuddling and napping. Recently, though he has started to show a little more personality. He is a very mellow baby! He LOVES our swing, and being rocked back and forth. He is so strong, he can already lift his head up and look around. Tummy time is not something he hardcore objects to, in fact on more than one occasion he has fallen asleep during it. I usually have to wake him up in the night to feed him, as I'm trying to keep the boys on the same schedule. His hair is a light brown and he has bright blue eyes, for now. I'm thinking they will stay blue, because they are much bluer than either Aiden or Jaxon's eyes were when they were born. Personally, I think that Gavin looks more like Phillip than any of our boys have. Although there are times when I look at him and he looks identical to Jaxon as a baby. He does not smile often, and never when he is awake. I'm sure than has to do with the prematurity, but I'm waiting on pins and needles to see this little guy look at me and smile. He loves to give kisses and will open his mouth for them. Daddy swears he loves techno music, but since Mommy HATES techno, I've not tried that out for myself. However, I do know that he enjoys mellow music when he's in my company- and has fallen asleep on me when I sing Jack Johnson to him. He likes to stretch wide out when he sleeps, with both hands up by his head. I also just discovered that he is ticklish on his sides- he doesn't laugh yet but he squirms and opens his mouth. It's adorable. When he's awake, he loves to lock eyes with me and follows me around wherever I go. He knows my voice and responds to it. When he lays with Christian, he has to be the one touching him, he reaches for his hands and likes to smoosh faces with him.
Christian, born second at 4 pounds, 9 ounces, is Twin B, and I call him Peanut. He is my little Peanut baby, mostly because he is lighter than his brother, but also because he has a big head and a littler body and just likes to be held snugly. On Monday he weighed 8 pounds, 6 ounces and 20 1/4 inches long. He eats anywhere between 3 and 4 ounces, and he is much more adamant about when he wants his bottle, which has remained consistent at about every 3 hours, around the clock. Christian is a snuggler and loves the vibrating bouncer seat. At first, he did not like the swing, but has grown to like it a little more now. I found that he enjoys subtle movements, as opposed to all out rocking like his brother. His neck muscles are not quite as strong, but his legs are stronger than Gavin's. He is definitely not a fan of tummy time. He also is more vocal than his brother, and is the one I can depend on waking me up like clockwork. Recently, around 10/11 pm, he has been in the habit of being wide awake and wanting to fuss, even after his bottle. However, what he usually wants is to be snuggled tight and a binky in his mouth. Speaking of, he is much more fond of his binky than his brother. Christian's hair is dark brow, almost black. And he has very dark eyes, turning more brown every day. I see my eyes when I look into his. In fact, I see a LOT of myself when I look at him. He favors Aiden, when was a baby. Even though Christian is a more serious (and a little cranky) baby, he also smiles much more in his sleep than Gavin. I was literally just talking to him while he was falling asleep and he treated me to a HUGE grin. It changes his whole face. It makes me cry. He prefers to bunch up his legs when he sleeps and also, like his brother, keeps his hands by his face. There's something about Christian, when he looks at you. It's like he's an old soul, much older in spirit than he should be. I feel like he is just on the verge of saying something when he stares into my eyes.
Whenever I go places with the two of them, I am stopped constantly. I admit I was not prepared for the reaction of people around twins. I've had people yell at me from across parking lots "ARE THOSE TWINS?!" People love to tell me stories about twins in their family, or about their kids that are also twins. It's like having twins automatically enters you in this elite club, and you feel connected to the people that have twins as well. People who DO have twins are drawn to you because they understand, people who don't have twins are drawn to you because it's something that is different and special. The attention kind of blindsided me. But, I don't mind it either. I love showing them to people, and talking about them. I like being stopped in the grocery store so an older lady can take a peak, and hearing a young girl say "Look, Mommy! There are two of them!"
Nothing could have prepared me for this life. It's harder than I ever could have imagined, being a 25 year old with 4 children. But, the addition of the twins has sharpened my mommy game, and put a new spark inside of me. Yes, I can do this. I may not be supermommy...but I love my children bigger than I can say. I feel more in control and more determined to be the best possible mother I can be. I want to give my children everything. Every opportunity, every kiss, every hug, every smile, every piggyback ride, every game of hide and seek...Yes. I can do this. Of course I can. This is what I was meant for. My feeling of emptiness and longing as a child and teenager were simply holes in my heart meant to be filled with this love. This incredible, all encompassing, deep love for my kids, that only grows and grows with them. When I look at my babies- Aiden, Jaxon, Gavin and Christian- I see parts of me, parts of my heart outside of my body, and it gives me hope. I am so lucky. I am so very blessed.

Gavin in the NICU.

Christian 4 hours old.

Christian & Gavin

 

All ready for their doctor appointment.

Mommy and Gavin

Snuggles.

Twinning.

Well, this is going to be a doozy!

Well well well....it's been a while. To be fair, there's been just a FEW life changes lately!
Let's start back at where my last entry left off:
Phillip was in Mississippi, saying his final goodbyes to his dad. He left on February 19th. During his stay, I started to feel very strange. One day I woke up and knew something wasn't right. I took my blood pressure and found it to be extremely high. So, I went to the doctor to check on the twins, and they increased my blood pressure medicine by quite a bit. A few days later, after getting used to the dose of medicine, I felt a little bit better. In Mississippi, Phillip's dad health was declining steadily, to the point where we knew, unfortunately, that it was just a matter of time. We had made the decision that he should stay there until his dad passed, so he could be there for the funeral and be a pallbearer. With a bunch of help from my mom, I was able to manage things with the kids. We were searching for a new daycare for Jaxon, while trying to keep things as calm as possible for me, especially with my blood pressure issue. On the morning of March 5th, I woke up vomiting. I chalked it up to "morning sickness", I had never really gotten completely over it and sometimes I would still be sick if I had too much acid in my stomach. We had an appointment that morning at a new daycare to see how Jaxon might like it. I felt very strange, my whole body hurt and I was just exhausted. We went to the new daycare and really liked it, thank goodness. Jaxon stayed there that day, and I decided to go home and lay down-thinking I had a tummy bug because I couldn't keep anything down. I quickly fell asleep, until a phone call from Phillip woke me up. His father passed away. After talking for a bit, we got off the phone, and I fell asleep yet again. My mom ended up picking me up and taking me to the doctor- where they found out my blood pressure was still high and I was extremely dehydrated. The decided to admit me to the hospital to check on babies and get some fluids in me...which turned into the discovery of protein in my urine, and my diagnosed preeclampsia. I was told a couple days later that I would be staying in the hospital until I delivered my twins, and they were considering taking them right when I hit 32 weeks. I received steroid shots in my legs to help mature the twins' lungs and brain. Because of the change of plans, we decided to go ahead and  have the baby shower that we had planned for at the hospital, on March 9th. This was also the day of Phillip's dad's funeral. Since I was on bed rest and my blood pressure climbed with even the slightest bit of activity, my shower was very short, but very sweet! Some lovely ladies (and one gentleman!) attended and made me feel very special! I had to remain laying down through the whole hour, but it even though I grumbled about it, I knew it was for the safety of the babies. After the shower, my doctor came in and said that she wanted to go ahead with the C-section as soon as possible. I was terrified that she would want to do it before Phillip returned, as he was still in Mississippi and it is about a 24 hour drive straight through. She told me she would wait as long as she could, but it would be before the end of the upcoming week. So, I called Phillip and told him the plan, and he and his sister decided to leave Mississippi directly after the funeral. On the morning of the 10th, my doctor made another visit. She had thought about it over night, and wanted to get the babies out the following day. By this time, I was relatively calm. I knew it was happening, regardless of anything else, and I had come to terms with it. I figured that Phillip would get in later that evening, we'd get some sleep, and then wake up and have our babies. About an hour later, the doctor came back in again, after hearing that Phillip was on his way. She decided she wanted to have the C-section THAT EVENING. Yikes. All day I was on edge, stressing over whether they would make it back in time. My doctor assured me that she would wait for him to get there, but I wasn't very trusting, since plans had changed so much so quickly. Finally, at around 3 pm, Phillip arrived at the hospital! I was so overwhelmed and relieved to finally see him, after almost a month of not being able to. They made it just in time, because by 5pm I was heading into the operating room. My C-section was NOT fun. It never really is, but this time was tied for the worst (tied with Aiden's delivery, where I threw up about 10 times, and passed out). Not only did the spinal hurt, it took multiple pokes. After they settled me into position, I had a monstrous panic attack. I mean...a WHAMMY. I started to pant and gasp for air so the anesthesiologist tried putting an oxygen mask on my face, which only made my anxiety worse because I felt claustrophobic. I am ashamed to admit that I screamed at him to take it off my face, while ripping my head out of his arms. He calmly reminded me that I was hyperventilating and that I needed to calm down. I then got sick, and vomited about 3 times. They had some trouble removing Baby A, but finally managed to get a hold on him. At just before 32 weeks gestation, Gavin Lewis Byrd was born March 10th, 2014 at 6:37pm, 17 and 3/4 inches long and 4 pounds, 15 ounces. Next, at 6:38 pm, Christian Maxwell Byrd was born, weighing in at 4 pounds, 9 ounces and 18 inches long. They showed Gavin to me very briefly, I did not get to see Christian before they took them both back to the NICU.
I was determined, after returning to my room, to see my babies. Of course, directly after surgery they don't let you move around too much. I didn't get to lay eyes on my boys until 1am. They wheeled me down in my bed to see them and I was taken aback at how tiny they were. I couldn't reach them from my bed, but I wanted to touch them so badly. The next morning, I tried walking. It was a slow process, trying to work through the pain. It was a process for the twins, as well. They, of course, had to be on the ventilator right after they were born. But, they are little fighters. After 3 days, they came off the vents. They had to be on some oxygen, but not for very long at all. The majority of their time in the NICU was spent trying to perfect the ever-exhausting "suck, swallow, breathe" routine while eating.
In the midst of everything happening with the twins, we also switched Aiden and Jaxon to a new daycare. Luckily, they have been doing AWESOME there. And I have seen a huge improvement in their behavior at home, especially with Jaxon. It definitely has been a blessing! We needed an awesome place we could depend on because yet another change happened. We moved! Well...we are in the same apartment complex, but in a bigger unit. We LOVE it. I'm so happy with it, I love having enough room for every body. As if that weren't enough change, we bought a minivan! Because...FOUR KIDS!
And the biggest change of all...after six long weeks- Baby Gavin came home yesterday!! I am so so excited to FINALLY have one of my babies home! Christian has a viral infection right now, with a cough and congestion so they want to keep him at the hospital until that is all cleared up. The good news is that today he sounds a million times better! So, hopefully he can come join us soon and our family will finally be complete!
Gavin's first night home went very smoothly! Knock on wood here, but so far he's been a very pleasant and easy baby! He is adjusting so well and I am pleased that I'm able to go right back into taking care of a newborn. I was even able to clean this morning! We'll see how long that lasts once we add one more to the mix! Haha! But I'm feeling fairly confident and I am so enjoying my new babyboos!
More to come when I can, now it's time for Mister Gavin's bath!

When It Rains, It Pours.

Quite a lot has happened in the last 24 hours and I'm still reeling. Yesterday morning began like any other day. I got the kids up and dressed and took them to daycare. All that I had planned for the day was Bible study in the morning and my OB appointment in the afternoon. After dropping the kids off, I noticed I had a missed call and voicemail from my sister in law. All the voicemail said was to call her back, and that it was about dad (my father in law). So, got a hold of her and she said that she didn't know much, just that her cousin had called her and told her that her dad had leukemia and was not doing well. We didn't know where he was (he and his wife live in Mississippi, and travel from doctor to doctor) or how bad it was. So,  we decided to call around to different hospitals to see if he was admitted. I found him on my first call, and talked to his wife who told me the details. Apparently the last few weeks he had been acting strangely, but he was refusing to be seen by a doctor. Last Saturday he started having bad chest pains and he decided he needed to go to the hospital. Worried that he was having a heart attack or a stroke, they hooked him up to see what was going on. They found that his heart was fine, so they started running other tests. It didn't take long for them to find that his body was riddled with leukemia. It was so advanced, that chemo is not an option. The gave him a blood transfusion, but the doctor said it was only a matter of time. He gave him 2-3 weeks to live. He said he'll likely not leave the hospital- if for some reason he can, it would only be to be at home with hospice. So, after finding all of this out, I got back in touch with my sister in law to let her know, and immediately tried  to figure out a way to get her and my husband (who, at this point, still had no idea) back down to MS to see their dad before he passes. I called my mom and dad to let them know. Phillip worked at the same place my dad did so I asked dad what the protocol was in order to get Phillip down there without jeopardizing his job, and waited for Phillip to call me on his break. When he did, I explained everything and told him what he needed to do in order to get signed up for FMLA for an unpaid leave. Once I got off the phone with him, his sister and I figured out that flying out would be nearly impossible, so we settled on them driving there.  Once that plan was put in to action, I knew I had to get some necessities for Phillip so I started to get ready, when my phone rang again, and it was the boys' daycare. I have mentioned the issues we've had with Jaxon and his behavior. We had been working with a behavior specialist, and that specialist had been working with his daycare. His behavior seemed to be improving at home, but at daycare, it was a different story. So, the head of daycare called and told me that I had to come to get him....and that he needed to be removed from the program completely. I can't particularly blame them, it was just awful timing. I went to go pick him up, and got him home. My mom came to my house to watch him while I rushed off to my OB appt. In the middle of my OB apt, my sister in law calls me again, this time to let me know that my mother in law's husband, Michael, (who has been in the hospital for a week or so after a fall and bleeding in his brain) was taken to emergency surgery because his brain was swelling on one side. Hung up with her, and Phillip calls me. Tells me that he's on his way home (about 3 hours early) because his work told him there was basically nothing they could do for him. He hadn't been there long enough to qualify for FMLA, so they told him to go home, take care of what he needed to do, and then when he was back he could reapply. Which left him without a job, until he gets back...IF they hire him back. Then, the plan changed from Phillip leaving the next morning, to leaving that night and staying at least a week, if not more.
So, I got everything he might need, he packed, and we waited for his sister to pick him up for the long trip. His mom ended up coming over after seeing Michael, whose surgery went well. We got the kids put down for the night, and his sister came. We chatted for a bit before they left. I did not handle them leaving well. I cried a lot. I feel selfish...because I'm crying for the wrong reasons. I don't want to be without Phillip. We've not been apart from each other, where we can't see or touch each other...ever. I know it's not a long time, and I know I should be happy that he gets to see his dad...it's just that all of this is made worse by my hormones and anxiety. Plus, he's my best friend. When I'm feeling awful, he is the only one that calms me, makes me laugh, makes me myself again. I'm just sad...I wish I could be with him.
My automatic defense is to go into hiding. I don't want to see anyone, speak to anyone, do anything....I just want to close the blinds and wait. I haven't given in to those desires. I know I can't, because of the kids. I just...wish we could catch a break. Just for a little bit.

Feelings.

It's been a while and I wish I had an excuse for that. Truth is, I really don't. I've had time..I've even opened up this tab and said to myself "Okay...let's blog."-Several different times.
For whatever reason I'm finding inspiration very hard to come by. I didn't intend for this blog to be solely about my pregnancy, but that's exactly what it's become, and anymore when I talk about it...I feel like I'm complaining, which drives me insane. A lot has been going on. Some good, some...not. I guess I'll just start with a normal update and see how things progress from there. 
A few weeks ago I started experiencing some Braxton Hicks contractions. It started at work and they were frighteningly regular for about an hour. The doctor on call told me to leave work immediately and go home to lay down and chug water. They slowed down and spaced apart but it was very painful, something I have not experienced in either of my pregnancies before. I had some Braxton Hicks with both, but nothing extreme and certainly not painful like that. Even while I was on the full dose of Pitocin with Aiden (in REAL labor), trying to get my cervix to change, my contractions did not hurt that bad. So that scared me. I started to notice that the more I walked, or stood still...basically any time I'm on my feet, my stomach starts to really cramp up. 2 weeks ago, while at work, in the middle of a rush- I felt the need to sit down so badly but there is no sitting down in the middle of lunch rush. I work at Panera Bread and when people are hungry for their soups and sammies, they just keep coming in-no breaks. No rest. I was literally leaning my whole body against the counter, trying to find some relief from being on my feet. And I was only on shift for an hour and a half before it started to hurt that bad! I came to the realization that I'm no good for work right now. Physically? I could probably manage with a BUNCH of breaks...we're talking sitting down every time there isn't a customer coming through the door. Lifting things? Out of the question. Bending down? Ha. You're funny. I thought about it long and hard and really, I feel like I'm just holding everything up when I work. I make up for my inability to perform with my dazzling personality (insert sarcasm here), but personality can't help the rest of my co-workers when it's crazy busy and I have to sit down. So, I asked for a Leave of Absence until the twins get here. My manager was very understanding, I think everyone could see how much pain I was really in. Even at home, I can barely wash the dishes without taking a break. It's kind of pathetic. So, it's been about a week since I asked for my leave and I've been getting some stuff caught up...mostly cleaning around the house, and the baby shower invitations addressed and sent out. I feel accomplished about that stuff but...
I can't seem to shake off this anxiety and depression issue. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that once the babies come, I'll need some sort of help. I refuse to take yet another antidepressant. For those of you who don't know my history...well it's been a long battle with depression from a very early age. I've seen numerous psychologists, and been prescribed numerous pills...non of which helped in any facet of the imagination. Most of the pills made the depression worse...a dangerous side effect. A few numbed me out to feel or care about absolutely nothing-but caused me to tremble and shake. And also? When I say "care about nothing"...it included whether I took a flying leap off a cliff or not. Another dangerous side effect, indeed. My depression issues would come and go, some days I could manage it, some days I would hide it. When I had Aiden, my post partum depression was so bad, that I sought help from a doctor and he prescribed me an antidepressant. Which, I fully believe, tipped the scale for me into full blown post partum psychosis. I was...simply put- a crazy person. I was not myself and made decisions that did not make sense. I feel like a lot of things could have been avoided, had I not taken that pill. Strangely, even with a whole BUNCH of drama, and being pregnant with Jaxon, my depression seemed to lessen dramatically at about my 7th month. When I had Jaxon, I experienced a tiny bout of post partum, but I refused to let it get to me. I zeroed in on my baby and willed those feelings away. I think I was depression free by the 2nd week of his life. Now, the years between my pregnancy with Jaxon and now have been up and down, but mostly? My depression has been extremely manageable. I had noticed, though, that while my depression was almost a non-issue...my anxiety was becoming worse and worse. Going to the store, even by myself, would cause me to fall right into a panic attack. Driving at night is impossible, my night vision is so bad- causing me to freak out when there is a car behind me or coming towards me. A few nights ago, I jolted awake being unable to breathe in the midst of panic swirling around my brain for absolutely no reason. I had to go to the bathroom and tell myself  "You are being silly. You CAN breathe. You ARE getting air into your lungs." It happened once or twice more throughout that night, and it really just kind of blindsides me. There is no reason to feel that way. And it makes me extremely worried for what's to come when these hormones are disturbed even further after I deliver. With the stress of having 2 newborns at the same time, plus two pretty needy toddlers....I'm pretty confident that I'll need some sort of help. I've thought about looking into a psychologist here in town-one that I actually feel comfortable with, enough to tell my real feelings to- but the process just exhausts me. Can't they just show up at my door with a list of their qualities so I can pick and choose that way?? Ha.
Well...this entry certainly took an unexpected turn. I've left a lot of things out about what I experienced during my post-partum days and my earlier bouts of depression...If anyone can relate or would like to share stories, ask questions, or give advice-I'd love it. This blog has really opened up communication with so many unexpected people and I really enjoy hearing from you all.
I hope you are all doing well. Much love, until next time.

The Holidays and Our Anatomy Scan!

Hello everyone! I hope you all have had a fantastic ChristmaHanaKwanzika!! I can tell you that our Christmas celebration FAR exceeded my expectations. As you may know ( as read in my last blog), things got rough for my family this year. With the help of local programs, friends, and family, we were able to get the necessities taken care of, and I am still overwhelmingly thankful. I can't wait to get on better standing to start paying these gifts forward! Even with all of the basic necessities covered, we were still on shaky ground and it left no wiggle room whatsoever, so getting any Christmas gifts for anyone this year was out of the question. I know that gifts are not the reason for the season, but one of the things that gives ME the most holiday spirit and feeling of wellbeing is giving my family and friends gifts that I took time to think about and really having them in mind when doing so. So, not being able to do that this year was disappointing for me, and for Phillip. We knew that everyone understood, but it was still hard for us. Christmas Eve we traditionally go to my parent's house to spend the night. The kids were so excited, and that was neat to see. This year was probably the first time that they both understood what was going on and they couldn't wait to see what Santa was bringing them. Grandma set out the cookies and milk (Jaxon had a little bit of a hard time understanding that those were for SANTA...not for him...) and Phillip and I tucked the boys in bed and read them the Christmas Story from the Bible. They have been learning about God and Jesus at their daycare and have been asking many questions about it when they get home. Phillip was excited to share the story with them so they could learn where and how Jesus was born. Phillip and I had limited options for sleep that night...the bed that the kids were in downstairs was not big enough for all 4 of us, the couch that my Uncle sleeps on would have fit us but my Uncle keeps the TV on all through the night and on LOUD, which made it impossible to get any sleep for us at all. Upstairs there was one long couch and one love seat....we made those work as best as we could but I can tell you...it was not the most restful sleep I've ever had.
The kids got up early and were STOKED to see that Santa had come! And boy, did Santa go all out. Gramma and Grandpa Claus made sure that everyone had PLENTY of gifts and really made the boys' Christmas morning special. I can't thank them enough for all that they do for me and my family. We had a low key day of playing with our new toys, and the boys went down for a short nap. When they woke up, it was time to get ready for Phillip's family to come over! With them, they brought a SECOND Christmas for us and the kids. I couldn't believe it! We had an awesome dinner (my mom made lasagna from scratch..YUM) and then opened all the gifts again! All in all, we were spoiled ROTTEN from both sides. All of our family just plain rocks.
Yesterday was the twins' anatomy scan! My dad hauled me all the way to Omaha to get it done! Everything went well...the babies look good. I have about 2 pounds of just baby in there...not including placentas and fluid and all that. Baby B was seen first and he (yes, still boys!) was sitting on Baby A's head. Imagine that. Looks like we've got another Jaxon in there. Lol! We got to see their faces, which was awesome! The only kind of iffy news is that when we were looking at Baby A, they had a hard time seeing all of the arteries in the umbilical cord. They said that sometimes, babies develop with one artery short. All this means is that the growth of that baby may be affected, and the only thing we can do about it is monitor the baby closely. Which we are doing any way because I'm high risk. So, every two weeks I'll continue to get ultrasounds, and in 4 weeks I have to go back to Omaha. Also, the doctor in Omaha wants my thyroid checked again, and wants me to continue closely monitoring my blood sugars. Even though my sugars are good for now, he's pretty sure I'll develop  gestational diabetes. All I can do is try to continue to eat right, check my sugars, and keep a close eye on it.
I have noticed an increase in morning sickness again. I really thought I'd be lucky and have my sickness go away by 12 weeks like it had with both the boys. No such luck. I've been sick at least 3 days a week, at random times during the day. Right now, it happens to be morning and YEP, I'm sick. I think I need to start eating more small meals throughout the day.
Well, it's time to get my day started. I hope that I have the energy to clean the house today. That's another thing I've noticed. I've been SO TIRED lately. I hope everyone has an awesome day!

The Christmas Explosion at Grandma and Grandpa Claus' house!

Jaxon's New Minion Hat and gloves!

The boys in their new Husker gear from Nana!   Twin A's little face!

On babies and boobs.

Hello all!

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve updated. Truth be told, I definitely tried! The morning after my anatomy scan, I typed out this huge long entry about it and Christmas and it even had pictures! And...I hit the wrong key and erased the whole thing. *sigh* So, this is my second attempt, with some taken out, and some added in as things have progressed and developed.

First off, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season.  My family, and Phillip’s family, absolutely spoiled us rotten this year for Christmas. The kids had a blast, and it was fun because this year they both really understood what was going on and enjoyed the holiday. New Year’s went by in a blur, and the only resolution I have is to be a better mom! I hope I can keep that resolution not only for this year, but for all my years to come! 

So, back to my anatomy scan! My dad and I went to Omaha on Friday, December 27^th for my 20-ish week scan of the twins. The boys looked good! Baby B happened to be sitting on Baby A’s head the whole time and wiggled constantly. It was funny to feel it AND see it on the screen as it was happening. Baby B was much easier to be seen and we got a lot of good measurements on him. He was right at 1 pound and measured basically right on track (give or take a few days). Baby A was harder to be seen. He likes to hide from the camera, apparently. The only little hiccup in the whole thing was that they could not find Baby A’s third artery in his umbilical cord. Which isn’t a HUGE deal, even singleton pregnancies can have this happen...all it means is that I’ll require a little more observation (which I’m getting anyway) to make sure Baby A’s growing according to schedule. He was measuring at about 15ounces that day so he’s keeping up with his brother pretty well! The doctor in Omaha seemed a little more concerned about my blood sugar than what I’ve experienced so far. In fact, he’s pretty dang sure that by the end of this pregnancy I’ll be diabetic and need medications/insulin. So far, when I take my sugars...they’re relatively normal. My fasting blood sugars have been about 97...my blood sugars after eating are in the 120’s. I really don’t like being told that I’m GOING to have gestational diabetes. I mean, I know it’s the doctor’s job to be concerned and to be up front with me, but that stubborn little voice in my head LOVES to talk back and make me want to prove people wrong. All in all, I KNOW that it is very possible, and even probable, that I’ll have some issues with diabetes as my pregnancy progresses....but that doesn’t mean that I have to like hearing it. Also, the doctor in Omaha seemed somewhat concerned about my thyroid levels. Thyroid issues run in my family and when I was not pregnant, some of my levels were elevated. We had them checked immediately once I found out I was pregnant and they came back normal. However, the doctor said that this doesn’t mean that I’m out of the woods. Pregnancy can trick the thyroid into thinking it either needs to overproduce, or under produce. So, he thinks that if I was high, and then normal, that my thyroid levels could now be getting TOO low, which is a problem as well. He told me that he would like my blood drawn at my next appointment, which I assumed was in 2 weeks.  Well, that 2 week appointment was yesterday and I asked my normal OB about it and she didn’t seem nearly as concerned about it. I didn’t get my blood drawn, so I’m wondering if they mean to draw it in my next appointment in Omaha, which is in 2 weeks. I should have asked in greater depth yesterday, but I chickened out about it. Babies both looked good on ultrasound yesterday as well, with baby B weighing in at 1 pound 6 ounces, and baby A weighing 1 pound 4 ounces. J

My newest issue that I’ve been slightly obsessing about is breastfeeding.  With Aiden, I wanted to nurse/pump. He was premature and by the time I could actually try to nurse him, the nurses in the NICU kind of just positioned him on me, but he never latched on. We tried a nipple shield without much success and I was kind of sent home without knowing much about how to get him to latch on. I pumped breast milk until he was about 3 months old but I never got fully dedicated it to it...I was stressed all the time and worried about my production. It was not an enjoyable experience whatsoever.  With Jaxon, I decided against nursing because of my negative experience with my Aiden. I regret that decision a LOT. This time around, I would really really love to nurse, but I'm terrified! I feel like a completely new mom, I have NO idea how to go about nursing one, let alone 2. I know there are resources out there for me...classes, lactation consultants, peers...and I plan on using all of those resources but I feel like I tried to prepare myself with Aiden by doing those things without much luck. Also, I have no idea when these babies will decide to come. Of course, I’m planning on keeping them in there as long as I can...but I’m worried that if they come early, they’ll have to be in the NICU and then my chances of breastfeeding exclusively in the hospital (my original plan) will be ruined.  What I would love to do is exclusively breastfeed in the hospital, and when we bring them home breastfeed in during the day, and pump as much as I can so I can have a supply for nights (mostly so I can get some help at night.) I don’t know if this is a smart plan, as I’m not sure the babies will be able to go back and forth from bottle to breast...I just don’t know about a LOT of things when it comes to breast feeding. It seems like it should be the most natural thing in the world, but I am SCARED. Hah. I’m sure I’ll figure it all out as I go.

Well that’s all that I have for you for now, my friends. Hopefully I’ll get around to updating more frequently!

Baby A's face!

Little Peanut!