Feelings.

It's been a while and I wish I had an excuse for that. Truth is, I really don't. I've had time..I've even opened up this tab and said to myself "Okay...let's blog."-Several different times.
For whatever reason I'm finding inspiration very hard to come by. I didn't intend for this blog to be solely about my pregnancy, but that's exactly what it's become, and anymore when I talk about it...I feel like I'm complaining, which drives me insane. A lot has been going on. Some good, some...not. I guess I'll just start with a normal update and see how things progress from there. 
A few weeks ago I started experiencing some Braxton Hicks contractions. It started at work and they were frighteningly regular for about an hour. The doctor on call told me to leave work immediately and go home to lay down and chug water. They slowed down and spaced apart but it was very painful, something I have not experienced in either of my pregnancies before. I had some Braxton Hicks with both, but nothing extreme and certainly not painful like that. Even while I was on the full dose of Pitocin with Aiden (in REAL labor), trying to get my cervix to change, my contractions did not hurt that bad. So that scared me. I started to notice that the more I walked, or stood still...basically any time I'm on my feet, my stomach starts to really cramp up. 2 weeks ago, while at work, in the middle of a rush- I felt the need to sit down so badly but there is no sitting down in the middle of lunch rush. I work at Panera Bread and when people are hungry for their soups and sammies, they just keep coming in-no breaks. No rest. I was literally leaning my whole body against the counter, trying to find some relief from being on my feet. And I was only on shift for an hour and a half before it started to hurt that bad! I came to the realization that I'm no good for work right now. Physically? I could probably manage with a BUNCH of breaks...we're talking sitting down every time there isn't a customer coming through the door. Lifting things? Out of the question. Bending down? Ha. You're funny. I thought about it long and hard and really, I feel like I'm just holding everything up when I work. I make up for my inability to perform with my dazzling personality (insert sarcasm here), but personality can't help the rest of my co-workers when it's crazy busy and I have to sit down. So, I asked for a Leave of Absence until the twins get here. My manager was very understanding, I think everyone could see how much pain I was really in. Even at home, I can barely wash the dishes without taking a break. It's kind of pathetic. So, it's been about a week since I asked for my leave and I've been getting some stuff caught up...mostly cleaning around the house, and the baby shower invitations addressed and sent out. I feel accomplished about that stuff but...
I can't seem to shake off this anxiety and depression issue. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that once the babies come, I'll need some sort of help. I refuse to take yet another antidepressant. For those of you who don't know my history...well it's been a long battle with depression from a very early age. I've seen numerous psychologists, and been prescribed numerous pills...non of which helped in any facet of the imagination. Most of the pills made the depression worse...a dangerous side effect. A few numbed me out to feel or care about absolutely nothing-but caused me to tremble and shake. And also? When I say "care about nothing"...it included whether I took a flying leap off a cliff or not. Another dangerous side effect, indeed. My depression issues would come and go, some days I could manage it, some days I would hide it. When I had Aiden, my post partum depression was so bad, that I sought help from a doctor and he prescribed me an antidepressant. Which, I fully believe, tipped the scale for me into full blown post partum psychosis. I was...simply put- a crazy person. I was not myself and made decisions that did not make sense. I feel like a lot of things could have been avoided, had I not taken that pill. Strangely, even with a whole BUNCH of drama, and being pregnant with Jaxon, my depression seemed to lessen dramatically at about my 7th month. When I had Jaxon, I experienced a tiny bout of post partum, but I refused to let it get to me. I zeroed in on my baby and willed those feelings away. I think I was depression free by the 2nd week of his life. Now, the years between my pregnancy with Jaxon and now have been up and down, but mostly? My depression has been extremely manageable. I had noticed, though, that while my depression was almost a non-issue...my anxiety was becoming worse and worse. Going to the store, even by myself, would cause me to fall right into a panic attack. Driving at night is impossible, my night vision is so bad- causing me to freak out when there is a car behind me or coming towards me. A few nights ago, I jolted awake being unable to breathe in the midst of panic swirling around my brain for absolutely no reason. I had to go to the bathroom and tell myself  "You are being silly. You CAN breathe. You ARE getting air into your lungs." It happened once or twice more throughout that night, and it really just kind of blindsides me. There is no reason to feel that way. And it makes me extremely worried for what's to come when these hormones are disturbed even further after I deliver. With the stress of having 2 newborns at the same time, plus two pretty needy toddlers....I'm pretty confident that I'll need some sort of help. I've thought about looking into a psychologist here in town-one that I actually feel comfortable with, enough to tell my real feelings to- but the process just exhausts me. Can't they just show up at my door with a list of their qualities so I can pick and choose that way?? Ha.
Well...this entry certainly took an unexpected turn. I've left a lot of things out about what I experienced during my post-partum days and my earlier bouts of depression...If anyone can relate or would like to share stories, ask questions, or give advice-I'd love it. This blog has really opened up communication with so many unexpected people and I really enjoy hearing from you all.
I hope you are all doing well. Much love, until next time.