The good, the bad, and the ugly.

It's been a little while since I've updated. Some of that is due to some serious financial issues we've had (which I'll get in to here in a little bit), and some of it is because I'm in a strange in-between place right now.
My last entry was a little on the negative side. I said what I felt like I needed to say, but I think I hurt some people's feelings in the process, and that was never my intention. I'm sure it's pregnancy hormones, but BIG news...especially news that isn't exactly what I want to hear, I react badly to in the moment. Badly may be a bit of an understatement. I am very easy to cry, to be depressed, and...for lack of a better term...plain old freak out. Which, unfortunately, is how I reacted to the twin boy news.
I am much better, where that is concerned. I feel like everything happens for a reason. I know how to deal with boys. We have named them, and I LOVE their names. We aren't exactly keeping the names a secret, but I guess I prefer being discreet about them? I haven't NOT told anyone that's asked, but I'm not forthcoming with the names right off the bat, like I was with Aiden and Jaxon. I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm just going with it for now. My dad takes me to Omaha on the 27th of this month for my anatomy scan, and I'm really excited! My dad and I have always been close, but when it comes to pregnancy I think it's a little awkward for him, understandably. We haven't really discussed anything about this pregnancy, actually. It doesn't BOTHER me, but I really am looking forward to him getting to actually see an ultrasound! He never has with either of the boys, and I'm excited that we can share a moment, just us two. I warned him already about the goo going on my belly. Ha! It will be neat to see his reaction to seeing the babies and, as always, I love seeing them too.
Well, now to move on to the difficulties we have experienced the last couple weeks. (Which actually starts a couple months ago.) At the end of September, Phillip was let go from his job. It was a sudden and surprising turn of events, because he was the head of the welding department. He immediately started searching for new jobs, including putting his information in to the three staffing agencies here in town. He had very little luck finding ANYTHING. Finally, one of the staffing agencies called him with a last minute job that was...less than exciting. However, we could not afford for him to NOT have a job any longer so he took it, even though it was a cut in pay and hours. We figured with some budgeting, we could manage and still look for something else in the meantime. He was promised 40+ hours a week, and we based our "budget" on him getting those hours consistently. He had a job interview at a place about a half an hour away, that he had worked for before. This job seemed ideal because it was welding, which Phillip has experience doing, and the pay was better. He had a good interview, passed his welding test, and was told he would be getting a call back. Over a month passed, and we never heard back from them. So, with that behind us we tried submitting applications on the internet, while he worked TERRIBLE hours at the unfavorable job. We started to notice that they were cutting hours short about a month ago. It started really cutting back around Thanksgiving. We weren't making enough money to get by any more. We were very late with November's rent and bills, and after Thanksgiving, it only got worse. The first thing to get shut off was our cable and internet. Not a huge deal, you don't need those things to survive. I made some calls to our power company and told them our situation and got a short extension. Rent was not paid in full. Our kitchen was empty of food, save for a few items for the kids that we were trying to make last as far as we could. On the 10th of this month, we received an eviction notice. I got paid from my job that day but could only give a small payment, as I'm only working 2 days a week. There was not enough money for food, for gas, for rent or bills...I had to do what I could to keep a roof over our heads. I went to the salvation army and received help with rent through them. Luckily, we had made small payments to rent so the amount owed was not astronomical. I despise asking for help. It's part pride, but it's also an issue in my mind...Surely there are families in my town that need that money just as badly as we do. And what if, by my accepting help, I'm taking it away from them? It something I still struggle with before I go to bed at night. So, rent was covered for this month, but food and bills were not. In a time of weakness and depression, I updated a status on Facebook about how bad the situation had gotten and how awful I felt that I could not provide for my kids. Phillip was beside himself, as well. I started receiving some messages from friends on Facebook asking for my address. I struggled with the decision to reply. I didn't want to take anything from them, or their families. How can I? When I sent messages back I wanted them to know how much I appreciated their offer, but how much it bothered me inside to accept their gifts. Not because of them at all, but because I should be able to get these simple things for my family. It should not have to be any one else's responsibility. But, at the same time, my empty refrigerator was screaming at me, and the weight of this situation was getting unbearable. I accepted the fact that these people wanted to help me, and I vowed to pay it back in some way, and pay it forward in others. I did find some help from a food pantry in town. They gave us some canned goods and some frozen meats, enough for a few days worth of good meals for the kids and us.  I also got enrolled in the WIC program, finally. That helped us get some milk and eggs and fresh fruits and veggies. These things are so immensely helpful. Our families came together to help us, as well. My mom let us invade her house for a meal while the kids were in daycare. My uncle gave us some gas money to be able to find help. Phillip's mom sent us some gas money as well, and that allowed him to get to Lexington and back( because he got that job finally!), and put gas in my car. My best friend took all of us out for dinner one night. And today, I came home from dropping the kids off to find a large package on my doorstep. One of my friends that had messaged me on Facebook sent us a BEAUTIFUL feast for the holidays. I am simply overwhelmed. Just completely overwhelmed with the support that we've received. Because of the help from others, my family is safe, and warm, and fed....and I just can't thank you all enough. Things got really bad for a while there. Really bad, to a point that I've never really been before. And honestly, even with all of this help, we aren't out of the woods yet. There are still a few odds and ends that I'm working on trying to get figured out, but the overwhelming hopelessness has decreased by A LOT. And I really am grateful. And lucky. Phillip's new job is a huge opportunity, Christmas is coming up soon, and my kids are happy. That's what matters. I really am wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. I can't wait to tell you about my anatomy scan two days later! Love to you all<3

Our package from my friend Megan! So Thankful!!<3

 

The Byrd Brothers.

A lot has been going on the last week or so and I haven't wanted to update too much. I guess now will be a good time to go ahead and get it all out there.
About a week or so ago, I started getting sick. It wasn't awful, and I mostly thought it was allergies, but as the days went on I kept getting worse. Finally, on Thanksgiving Day, I decided to go to the hospital because I stopped being able to feel the babies and my illness was only getting worse. I was worried about having pneumonia, which I have had in the past and it is not fun. At the hospital, I got prescribed antibiotics, and I got an ultrasound to make sure babies were okay. Luckily, they were. Strong heartbeats and wiggling around like crazy (which I could now feel...maybe they just wanted their pictures taken?). The ultrasound tech said at that time that he thought he could see one of them that looked like a boy, but couldn't quite see the second. Which of course, made me feel like I was right, that one was a boy and one was a girl.
After the hospital, I was able to go home and my husband made me and the boys an awesome Thanksgiving dinner. I couldn't taste or eat much, but I was so appreciative that he did that for us. We had a relaxing day, we watched the parade and it was fun watching the boys try all of the holiday foods.
In the middle of my last two appointments, I was getting calls from the Diabetes Center in town, apparently I was required to go to diabetic education. Even though I technically passed my glucose test, I was still high risk and borderline. So, yesterday I had to go to the center and learn about gestational diabetes, what kind of diet to follow, and how to check my blood sugar. They now want me to check my blood sugar 4 times a day (even though she took mine in the office and it was a 97....which is good!) and I got ordered all of the special gadgets to make checking my blood possible.
With everything going on, school has unfortunately taken a back seat. I got officially put on Disability Student Services, because I am high risk and will be missing school. So, I made an appointment for this Wednesday to talk to all of my teachers, and I will be asking for "Incompletes" in my classes. That will give me a full year to get my work completed without having an impact on my GPA. I will be needing to take a year off anyway, the second half of my pregnancy is only going to be harder than my first. And then, I'll have a total of four babies to deal with.
Which leads me to my doctor's appointment yesterday.
We went in after my 24 hour urine analysis (SO MUCH FUN....not). I found out I lost more weight, which is good for me. And, then it was time for ultrasound. We found out that both babies are boys. And I'm going to say in here what I wanted to say on Facebook, and some of you will not like it. When you tell me, "You're going to have your hands full" or "Oh god, what are you going to do?" or "Aww, did you want a girl?", all of those things make me incredibly angry. Why, in your right mind, would you ever say that to someone? Especially some of you who knew how badly I wanted my last pregnancy to result in having a girl. And some of you, who know what I'm going through with my younger son, and how scared I am to add two more boys to it. When you say things like that, it makes me what to completely shut you out. It makes me feel like you do NOT need to be around, you do NOT support me, and it feels like you enjoy taunting me just a little bit. Also, if you say congratulations to my face, and then go behind my back to tell people how awful you feel for me, chances are I'll find that out, if I have not already found out. And chances are, I'll cut off any involvement with you.
I wasn't shy about my preference for a girl this time around, and I even made a public statement that I believed there was one girl twin in there. I truly did believe that, with all of my heart. So, when I found out I'm having two boys, a part of my heart broke because my dreams of having a girl are over. I will not be having any more children. I will not put my body through this again, this has been too incredibly difficult for me. I was not excited when I heard the news of two boys, mostly because of the comments I knew I was going to get, and have indeed gotten. It truly is a shame that I did not want to announce the genders, because I was worried about what my FRIENDS might say. What does that say about the friends I have? I was not excited, and truth be told I'm not excited yet. I know I will be, eventually. I know that I'll love them. And I know I'll handle it, I know how to deal with boys.
Sorry I can't end this on a completely happy note. I already feel bad enough about being disappointed. I know, in the back of my mind, that all that should matter is that babies are healthy. Every mother says that. "Well as long as they're healthy..." and I know, I know. That is what matters. But I think those mothers are lying if they say they didn't have a preference. I'm just not dancing around the fact that I did have one.
I'm sorry, I know this isn't the rainbows and butterflies that a lot of you like to read about. Hopefully my next entry will be a little more on the positive side.

Proof of the Twin-ness

Just 4 months and some change along...

Holy Baby Bump, Batman.

Flock of Byrds!

Well, hello world! I have new news on the twin-front! Yesterday I went to the doctor with my momma, which was a blessing in and of itself because she helped me keep my thoughts organized and made sure I asked all of the question on my hastily scrawled list.
I was going for my regular check up and for my first glucose test. One of my blood levels was on the high end of normal my very first check up, so this was test was done early for me and babies to make sure we didn't need to take some extra steps. Fortunately, I passed! My blood sugar and my hemoglobin were perfect! Such a huge relief. I was so worried because of my size, and just carrying twins increases your risk of gestational diabetes, so WOW, I feel better.
It seems like I have a few more bumps in the road, though. Before my next appointment in two weeks, I have to do a 24 hour urine analysis. Not super happy about it, but I gotta do what I gotta do. I'll get through it, it's just a little inconvenient. Also, two days after Christmas, I have to make a trip to Omaha. Apparently, because of my size, I have to get a special ultrasound. Okay, okay, I'm being dramatic. It's also because I'm having twins and the ultrasound machines they have in my current doctor's office is not as high tech. So, when we go in for our 20 week anatomy scan, we'll be able to make absolutely sure that both babies are growing normally and safely!
We did get another ultrasound yesterday, and get ready, because I'm about to get mushy. I didn't make it a secret that I wasn't thrilled when I found out that we were having twins. I was scared (Okay, I still am) and I was upset and I felt AWFUL for feeling either of those things. I struggled hard with guilt and depression and anger, all combined with the psychotic mood swings of a pregnant lady to begin with. The first week after finding out was not a fun one.
However, I watched my two babies yesterday and fell in love. Oh, man. Baby A, who we saw first on all three ultrasounds was there with a perfect little profile. He or She was patient while the doctor took measurements, and waved a few times for the camera. Baby B, who was the little stinker hiding out, finally started showing some personality. Legs kicking, arms waving, booty shaking, barely held still during the entire ultrasound. I closed my eyes during both heartbeats and I just listened to them. It was all I could hear and I felt like my heart and theirs were trying to find synchronicity. And everything clicked. Of course, I supposed to have twins. Of course, I will be able to love them fully. I already do. They are mine, and they know me, just like I know them. This was how it was meant to be. Life is not supposed to make sense all of the time, and it's not supposed to be easy. But I know I can do this. I know I can, because if there is one thing I am GREAT at, it is loving my kids. I'm getting just a little teary eyed over here, not only because I'm feeling the little thump-thumps of my little ones inside, I'm also hearing the gentle snores of my oldest son and I'm feeling so full and complete. I really am so very lucky.
OKAY, more about the twins! We found out that the twins are Dichorionic/Diamniotic. Di/di twins are the most common type of twins and the lowest risk, thank God.  Di/di twins can be identical if the egg split very early, but fraternal twins are always di/di.  In di/di twins, each twin has their own placenta and their own amniotic sac.  Di/di twin pregnancies have increased risks over singleton pregnancies, but this is the best case scenario in twin world.  The biggest worries tend to be going into preterm labor and making sure both babies are growing adequately. I am also relieved to hear this news. I am already high risk as it is, I was so worried about this.
I'm not one for making predictions, because I really don't want to have my heart set on something and then be set up for "disappointment". But, I really feel like I have one boy and one girl in there. Something just feels like it's telling me I have one of each. I feel like Baby A is my little lady, and Baby B snuck in there to be my third rowdy boy. I know I could be totally wrong (And I probably am, since I'm putting this in the blog universe for everyone to see), but for whatever reason I just feel like that's how it is in there. At one point during the ultrasound yesterday, the babies were trying to play footsy and it was the cutest thing. I can't wait to see the bond they share outside of my tummy.
This weekend is my boy's birthday "party", which is actually just shaping up to be a very small get together, and I am excited to spend the day celebrating my two little men. I got both boys a present each and tomorrow I'm going out to get streamers and candles and balloons....even if no one comes we'll have a blast and that's what I'm looking forward to. I am actually excited for the holidays this year. I can't wait for Thanksgiving. Aiden is already ready for Santa and Jaxon keeps pointing out Christmas lights he sees on TV. I'm determined to not have this holiday season be a bummer. Especially since I'll be getting a wonderful Christmas present two days after...:)
I will be updating more frequently from here on; our adventures are just beginning!

 

Baby Byrds

So, a week from today I go in to the doctor again. I've had a week to digest the news that we're going to have two babies instead of one, and I feel like I'm doing a little better. I know I will have my good days and my bad ones, but for right now I'm doing alright. I'm a little nervous about my upcoming appointment. I'll be going in for an early glucose test because on my first pregnancy visit, my blood sugar levels were a tad elevated. My doctor didn't seem too worried about it, even though I am obese. I think because I've had no troubles with gestational diabetes with my last two pregnancies, she figures I'll probably be okay with this one. She just wants to be as cautious as possible with me, which I appreciate.
I am just about 14 weeks this week and I am showing. With the boys, I showed lower than I am with these babies. I am showing very high up, and my tummy is very tight. I have felt babies move, mostly on my left side and low. It felt like both babies were squishing my bladder at one point this weekend. The last two days I've had some pretty extreme nausea early in the day, even with my medicine. Even with the nausea early, my appetite later in the day has increased a lot. I'm trying not to overindulge and only eat when I know I am legitimately hungry to keep my weight gain as little as possible. I feel pretty good about it so far, a lot of twin blogs that I've read talk about weight gain starting even earlier in the pregnancy than I am now. I am still, as of last week, down over 10 pounds. 
I will be updating more in a week when I find out the results of my glucose test, and hopefully I'll have some more news about the twins. I'm hoping to get answers to a BUNCH of questions that I have now. :)

Thankful.

 

I am so grateful for all of you. What an outpouring of love I received regarding my last entry. I am overwhelmed by the amount of replies and words of encouragement that came through...

I am touched, honored, and most of all, I am grateful for each and every one of you.

I feel like I have the best support system in the world, and because of that...I can take on anything.

Thank you again, friends and family.

So much love to all of you.

MindFreak.

Let me preface this entry by saying that I will be discussing things that make me sound like a terrible human being. I fully recognize that some of my feelings are controversial. But, I have to get them out. That is the whole purpose of this blog, to express myself and NOT keep my feelings bottled up inside, as I am so prone to doing.
As you may, or may not (SURPRISE!) know, two days ago I found out that we are expecting twins. This, obviously, has been a big shock to everyone but mostly to me. And, I am ashamed to say that I am not handling it well. I know that I should feel blessed and excited and I know that it is acceptable to feel scared, but I feel neither excited, nor do I feel simply scared. I am terrified, and I am upset. I am not happy about it, not even one bit. I do not like to vocalize my feelings, especially not to my husband. Not because he wouldn't be supportive, he so would be...But he's SO happy. He's so blissfully excited that I cannot bring myself to speak with him in detail about the depth of my depression.
Depression is not a new feeling for me. I've struggled with it for as long as I can remember. The last few years I've learned new healthier ways to manage my feelings, but this news has put fear into me. I wanted one more child. One more, not two. I wanted one more baby, and then I was going to schedule a tubal. I wanted to be done having children, I felt like 3 kids would be the perfect number and my family would be complete.
This pregnancy is my last. Because I didn't get to enjoy my pregnancy with Jaxon, I wanted to do it right. I wanted to get all new baby stuff, make a brand new nursery, have a nice baby shower, and I wanted to breastfeed. For whatever reason, I feel like everything I wanted to do is ruined now. Now, I will have to somehow get the money to buy double of everything. I will also have to purchase a new car, which will be impossible with our credit. Money issues are the least of my worries, though. Instead of excitement, I feel dread. 4 kids? Two babies at one time. My husband works nights and sleeps during the day. Do you know what that means? That means that I'll have double the work to do by myself at night, and quadruple the amount of work to do by myself during the day. I was apprehensive about ONE baby, but I knew I could do it alone. I did it with Jaxon, when Phill worked crazy hours. I took care of him all night, napped when he did, and took care of both he and Aiden during the day. I was lucky because Aiden was SUCH a good baby. Now I'll have Aiden and Jaxon during the day...and Jaxon is no where near the type of baby Aiden was. Please don't get me wrong, I love my son so much, but he is a difficult child. Very difficult. A lot of the time, he takes so much work that it feels like I am constantly getting on to him and leaving Aiden to his own devices. I have to make a conscience effort to spend one on one time with Aiden because of this. With one baby, I was worried about splitting my time between the three. Now I'll have 2 infants, and 2 toddlers. I am worried that I physically cannot do it.
Speaking of physically, breastfeeding feels like it's pretty much out of the picture. I knew, because of the size of my breasts (and the constant worry that I will smother my baby), that I was going to have some issues, even with one baby. But, I had never exclusively breastfed before and I have such a strong desire to, especially after seeing Jaxon pull himself OFF of a bottle and root around trying to find my breast instead. Adorable. I figured that comfort was going to be out for me, but I had some ideas as to how to get it done successfully for baby. There is no way, with the size of my breasts, that I can feel two babies at one time. So, I'll pump. Not a huge deal. But I feel like it's just one more thing that has to be different.
This last part is the hardest for me to admit and write out. I feel like...I won't get over this disappointment of having two babies rather than one. I feel like I'll carry it...and that I'll resent one of the babies. I've been having terrible, awful dreams. Things that would devastate me in real life, but in my dream I rejoice. And then I wake up feeling guilty.
All of this anger and sadness has me feeling like a terrible, ungrateful human being. I know how I should be feeling, but I can't even fake it. People at work laugh and joke about it, but I can't laugh with them anymore. I don't want to hear about "how full my hands are going to be" or any "octomom" jokes. I hear them and I get so angry that I want to scream. Most people are delighted about it...  One girl came up to me SO excited, took one look at my face and instantly changed her tone "Oh...so you aren't happy?"
No...I'm not. And I hate myself for being unhappy. Why can't I just be happy for what I'm being given? I chose to start trying for a baby, I got pregnant right away, I've been fairly lucky. And feeling this way makes me sound like I don't appreciate how smooth things have gone for me.
I feel like things happen for a reason, though. Getting pregnant so quickly and now the news of twins must just mean than I was meant to travel down this path. I'm just hoping that the path gets a little easier for me to follow emotionally.
Thank you for bearing with me. I'd love to hear your input, even if you want to smack me upside the head. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I'm being selfish, which I know is EXACTLY how I sound. So please feel free to contact me in any way and let me know your thoughts and opinions.

And twins??

Boy, when we do things, we sure do them big. I went in for my monthly check up yesterday afternoon expecting one baby, and came out expecting two.
The doctor thinks that because I was very early in my first appointment (just about 7 weeks), the second baby was hard to spot. The heartbeat at that appointment was very high (about 180!), which she said was normal, but now she's thinking it was that high because..well...twins!
Yesterday, she was trying to find the heartbeat without the use of ultrasound and was unsuccessful. So, she felt better about going ahead and seeing what was going on in there, as did I. We found baby right away, and the heartbeat was about 145. Everything looked good and I got to see baby move and wiggle which was awesome. The doctor was just about to pull away, rolled up and said "...ummm...how far along were you in your first ultrasound?" I said "Uh..pretty early? Like 7 and a half weeks?....WHY?" And she paused for a minute and said "..Because there's two in here..."
The rest of the appointment consisted of me freaking out. I said "Oh my God." a lot. I covered my face, I teared up from sheer surprise, I walked out of the room completely shell shocked. I forgot to ask any questions, I forgot to ask how second baby looked...I just went blank.
More to come concerning how I feel about this new development. I'll tell you right now, that entry is going to be a doozy.

~Jessica

Who We Are

This is all of us last Fall... I am holding Aiden, and my husband is holding Jaxon. It was extremely cold this day so all of us were having a hard time paying attention to the photographer.

 This is Jaxon Lawrence.<3

 This is Aiden Gregory <3

And this...is a more accurate description of how our family works. :)

An Introduction

Hello and Welcome!
My name is Jessica. This isn't my first attempt at keeping a blog, but it certainly is my most formal. I've never built one up from scratch before so please forgive me if I'm slow! I figured an Introduction would make for an excellent first post.
As I said before, I'm Jessica. I'm 24 (25 in less than a week...Yikes!), married for a little over 3 years and a mother of two young boys. Aiden Gregory is my first son. He is almost 4 years old, and he is my sensitive little man. For the most part, he is well behaved and a pleasure to take everywhere. He is a goofy little boy, but he's also smart and very curious about the world around him. Jaxon Lawrence is my second son, and he is almost 3 years old. Jaxon is a firecracker. He is ALWAYS on the go and always getting in to things. (Things that he usually shouldn't be getting in to.) He is full of energy and life and his smile lights up any room he's in. Where Aiden tends to be a little more soft spoken, there is no mistaking Jaxon's voice, laugh, cry, scream...Jaxon has been a more difficult child to parent. Although he is more affectionate than his brother, he is also more disobedient. I love my kids more than absolutely anything in this world. Part of my reason for starting this blog is to talk about my experiences with parenting and hopefully I can reach out to people, share some tips and tricks and learn some things along the way!
My husband's name is Phillip. We met and started dating in 2008. It was strange how natural it was to be with him. I had never had a serious relationship before him, and we've both experienced a lot of "firsts" with each other. We had a rough go of things at first, but that is something for another post. Our bond is strong, though, and we always overcome what is thrown at us.
Phillip and I are currently expecting our 3rd (and final!) child. I am due in May of 2014, anywhere between the 5th and the 14th depending on when the doctors plan on scheduling the surgery. This will be my third C-section. I am excited for this baby, and I can't wait to share this journey with everyone.
Since having kids, I discovered my intense passion for labor and delivery. I am not sure if that has something to do with my inability to have children the natural way, or if I would have discovered it eventually anyway. Since my first son was born by emergency C-section, all of my following births must be C-sections according the hospital and doctors here in my town. I had heard of rumors of a clinic in a town not far from me that allowed VBACs (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) , but I decided against it for my third pregnancy due to my not being in the best of health. Before I became pregnant with my third, I had made the decision to go back to school to become a nurse, specifically a labor and delivery nurse. The road to that is more complicated than I anticipated and I have had a difficult time in school, especially this semester. More on that in the future.
My life is full of this and that, and yet I still struggle to find what I'm meant to do. I know I want to better myself for the sake of my children. One day I want them to look back and be proud of the decisions I made and the person that I am-or the person that I want to become.
I look forward to expanding on things and keeping you up to date on my daily life.
Welcome to my journey.
Always,
Jessica