MindFreak.

Let me preface this entry by saying that I will be discussing things that make me sound like a terrible human being. I fully recognize that some of my feelings are controversial. But, I have to get them out. That is the whole purpose of this blog, to express myself and NOT keep my feelings bottled up inside, as I am so prone to doing.
As you may, or may not (SURPRISE!) know, two days ago I found out that we are expecting twins. This, obviously, has been a big shock to everyone but mostly to me. And, I am ashamed to say that I am not handling it well. I know that I should feel blessed and excited and I know that it is acceptable to feel scared, but I feel neither excited, nor do I feel simply scared. I am terrified, and I am upset. I am not happy about it, not even one bit. I do not like to vocalize my feelings, especially not to my husband. Not because he wouldn't be supportive, he so would be...But he's SO happy. He's so blissfully excited that I cannot bring myself to speak with him in detail about the depth of my depression.
Depression is not a new feeling for me. I've struggled with it for as long as I can remember. The last few years I've learned new healthier ways to manage my feelings, but this news has put fear into me. I wanted one more child. One more, not two. I wanted one more baby, and then I was going to schedule a tubal. I wanted to be done having children, I felt like 3 kids would be the perfect number and my family would be complete.
This pregnancy is my last. Because I didn't get to enjoy my pregnancy with Jaxon, I wanted to do it right. I wanted to get all new baby stuff, make a brand new nursery, have a nice baby shower, and I wanted to breastfeed. For whatever reason, I feel like everything I wanted to do is ruined now. Now, I will have to somehow get the money to buy double of everything. I will also have to purchase a new car, which will be impossible with our credit. Money issues are the least of my worries, though. Instead of excitement, I feel dread. 4 kids? Two babies at one time. My husband works nights and sleeps during the day. Do you know what that means? That means that I'll have double the work to do by myself at night, and quadruple the amount of work to do by myself during the day. I was apprehensive about ONE baby, but I knew I could do it alone. I did it with Jaxon, when Phill worked crazy hours. I took care of him all night, napped when he did, and took care of both he and Aiden during the day. I was lucky because Aiden was SUCH a good baby. Now I'll have Aiden and Jaxon during the day...and Jaxon is no where near the type of baby Aiden was. Please don't get me wrong, I love my son so much, but he is a difficult child. Very difficult. A lot of the time, he takes so much work that it feels like I am constantly getting on to him and leaving Aiden to his own devices. I have to make a conscience effort to spend one on one time with Aiden because of this. With one baby, I was worried about splitting my time between the three. Now I'll have 2 infants, and 2 toddlers. I am worried that I physically cannot do it.
Speaking of physically, breastfeeding feels like it's pretty much out of the picture. I knew, because of the size of my breasts (and the constant worry that I will smother my baby), that I was going to have some issues, even with one baby. But, I had never exclusively breastfed before and I have such a strong desire to, especially after seeing Jaxon pull himself OFF of a bottle and root around trying to find my breast instead. Adorable. I figured that comfort was going to be out for me, but I had some ideas as to how to get it done successfully for baby. There is no way, with the size of my breasts, that I can feel two babies at one time. So, I'll pump. Not a huge deal. But I feel like it's just one more thing that has to be different.
This last part is the hardest for me to admit and write out. I feel like...I won't get over this disappointment of having two babies rather than one. I feel like I'll carry it...and that I'll resent one of the babies. I've been having terrible, awful dreams. Things that would devastate me in real life, but in my dream I rejoice. And then I wake up feeling guilty.
All of this anger and sadness has me feeling like a terrible, ungrateful human being. I know how I should be feeling, but I can't even fake it. People at work laugh and joke about it, but I can't laugh with them anymore. I don't want to hear about "how full my hands are going to be" or any "octomom" jokes. I hear them and I get so angry that I want to scream. Most people are delighted about it...  One girl came up to me SO excited, took one look at my face and instantly changed her tone "Oh...so you aren't happy?"
No...I'm not. And I hate myself for being unhappy. Why can't I just be happy for what I'm being given? I chose to start trying for a baby, I got pregnant right away, I've been fairly lucky. And feeling this way makes me sound like I don't appreciate how smooth things have gone for me.
I feel like things happen for a reason, though. Getting pregnant so quickly and now the news of twins must just mean than I was meant to travel down this path. I'm just hoping that the path gets a little easier for me to follow emotionally.
Thank you for bearing with me. I'd love to hear your input, even if you want to smack me upside the head. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I'm being selfish, which I know is EXACTLY how I sound. So please feel free to contact me in any way and let me know your thoughts and opinions.