Quite a lot has happened in the last 24 hours and I'm still reeling. Yesterday morning began like any other day. I got the kids up and dressed and took them to daycare. All that I had planned for the day was Bible study in the morning and my OB appointment in the afternoon. After dropping the kids off, I noticed I had a missed call and voicemail from my sister in law. All the voicemail said was to call her back, and that it was about dad (my father in law). So, got a hold of her and she said that she didn't know much, just that her cousin had called her and told her that her dad had leukemia and was not doing well. We didn't know where he was (he and his wife live in Mississippi, and travel from doctor to doctor) or how bad it was. So, we decided to call around to different hospitals to see if he was admitted. I found him on my first call, and talked to his wife who told me the details. Apparently the last few weeks he had been acting strangely, but he was refusing to be seen by a doctor. Last Saturday he started having bad chest pains and he decided he needed to go to the hospital. Worried that he was having a heart attack or a stroke, they hooked him up to see what was going on. They found that his heart was fine, so they started running other tests. It didn't take long for them to find that his body was riddled with leukemia. It was so advanced, that chemo is not an option. The gave him a blood transfusion, but the doctor said it was only a matter of time. He gave him 2-3 weeks to live. He said he'll likely not leave the hospital- if for some reason he can, it would only be to be at home with hospice. So, after finding all of this out, I got back in touch with my sister in law to let her know, and immediately tried to figure out a way to get her and my husband (who, at this point, still had no idea) back down to MS to see their dad before he passes. I called my mom and dad to let them know. Phillip worked at the same place my dad did so I asked dad what the protocol was in order to get Phillip down there without jeopardizing his job, and waited for Phillip to call me on his break. When he did, I explained everything and told him what he needed to do in order to get signed up for FMLA for an unpaid leave. Once I got off the phone with him, his sister and I figured out that flying out would be nearly impossible, so we settled on them driving there. Once that plan was put in to action, I knew I had to get some necessities for Phillip so I started to get ready, when my phone rang again, and it was the boys' daycare. I have mentioned the issues we've had with Jaxon and his behavior. We had been working with a behavior specialist, and that specialist had been working with his daycare. His behavior seemed to be improving at home, but at daycare, it was a different story. So, the head of daycare called and told me that I had to come to get him....and that he needed to be removed from the program completely. I can't particularly blame them, it was just awful timing. I went to go pick him up, and got him home. My mom came to my house to watch him while I rushed off to my OB appt. In the middle of my OB apt, my sister in law calls me again, this time to let me know that my mother in law's husband, Michael, (who has been in the hospital for a week or so after a fall and bleeding in his brain) was taken to emergency surgery because his brain was swelling on one side. Hung up with her, and Phillip calls me. Tells me that he's on his way home (about 3 hours early) because his work told him there was basically nothing they could do for him. He hadn't been there long enough to qualify for FMLA, so they told him to go home, take care of what he needed to do, and then when he was back he could reapply. Which left him without a job, until he gets back...IF they hire him back. Then, the plan changed from Phillip leaving the next morning, to leaving that night and staying at least a week, if not more.
So, I got everything he might need, he packed, and we waited for his sister to pick him up for the long trip. His mom ended up coming over after seeing Michael, whose surgery went well. We got the kids put down for the night, and his sister came. We chatted for a bit before they left. I did not handle them leaving well. I cried a lot. I feel selfish...because I'm crying for the wrong reasons. I don't want to be without Phillip. We've not been apart from each other, where we can't see or touch each other...ever. I know it's not a long time, and I know I should be happy that he gets to see his dad...it's just that all of this is made worse by my hormones and anxiety. Plus, he's my best friend. When I'm feeling awful, he is the only one that calms me, makes me laugh, makes me myself again. I'm just sad...I wish I could be with him.
My automatic defense is to go into hiding. I don't want to see anyone, speak to anyone, do anything....I just want to close the blinds and wait. I haven't given in to those desires. I know I can't, because of the kids. I just...wish we could catch a break. Just for a little bit.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Feelings.
It's been a while and I wish I had an excuse for that. Truth is, I really don't. I've had time..I've even opened up this tab and said to myself "Okay...let's blog."-Several different times.
For whatever reason I'm finding inspiration very hard to come by. I didn't intend for this blog to be solely about my pregnancy, but that's exactly what it's become, and anymore when I talk about it...I feel like I'm complaining, which drives me insane. A lot has been going on. Some good, some...not. I guess I'll just start with a normal update and see how things progress from there.
A few weeks ago I started experiencing some Braxton Hicks contractions. It started at work and they were frighteningly regular for about an hour. The doctor on call told me to leave work immediately and go home to lay down and chug water. They slowed down and spaced apart but it was very painful, something I have not experienced in either of my pregnancies before. I had some Braxton Hicks with both, but nothing extreme and certainly not painful like that. Even while I was on the full dose of Pitocin with Aiden (in REAL labor), trying to get my cervix to change, my contractions did not hurt that bad. So that scared me. I started to notice that the more I walked, or stood still...basically any time I'm on my feet, my stomach starts to really cramp up. 2 weeks ago, while at work, in the middle of a rush- I felt the need to sit down so badly but there is no sitting down in the middle of lunch rush. I work at Panera Bread and when people are hungry for their soups and sammies, they just keep coming in-no breaks. No rest. I was literally leaning my whole body against the counter, trying to find some relief from being on my feet. And I was only on shift for an hour and a half before it started to hurt that bad! I came to the realization that I'm no good for work right now. Physically? I could probably manage with a BUNCH of breaks...we're talking sitting down every time there isn't a customer coming through the door. Lifting things? Out of the question. Bending down? Ha. You're funny. I thought about it long and hard and really, I feel like I'm just holding everything up when I work. I make up for my inability to perform with my dazzling personality (insert sarcasm here), but personality can't help the rest of my co-workers when it's crazy busy and I have to sit down. So, I asked for a Leave of Absence until the twins get here. My manager was very understanding, I think everyone could see how much pain I was really in. Even at home, I can barely wash the dishes without taking a break. It's kind of pathetic. So, it's been about a week since I asked for my leave and I've been getting some stuff caught up...mostly cleaning around the house, and the baby shower invitations addressed and sent out. I feel accomplished about that stuff but...
I can't seem to shake off this anxiety and depression issue. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that once the babies come, I'll need some sort of help. I refuse to take yet another antidepressant. For those of you who don't know my history...well it's been a long battle with depression from a very early age. I've seen numerous psychologists, and been prescribed numerous pills...non of which helped in any facet of the imagination. Most of the pills made the depression worse...a dangerous side effect. A few numbed me out to feel or care about absolutely nothing-but caused me to tremble and shake. And also? When I say "care about nothing"...it included whether I took a flying leap off a cliff or not. Another dangerous side effect, indeed. My depression issues would come and go, some days I could manage it, some days I would hide it. When I had Aiden, my post partum depression was so bad, that I sought help from a doctor and he prescribed me an antidepressant. Which, I fully believe, tipped the scale for me into full blown post partum psychosis. I was...simply put- a crazy person. I was not myself and made decisions that did not make sense. I feel like a lot of things could have been avoided, had I not taken that pill. Strangely, even with a whole BUNCH of drama, and being pregnant with Jaxon, my depression seemed to lessen dramatically at about my 7th month. When I had Jaxon, I experienced a tiny bout of post partum, but I refused to let it get to me. I zeroed in on my baby and willed those feelings away. I think I was depression free by the 2nd week of his life. Now, the years between my pregnancy with Jaxon and now have been up and down, but mostly? My depression has been extremely manageable. I had noticed, though, that while my depression was almost a non-issue...my anxiety was becoming worse and worse. Going to the store, even by myself, would cause me to fall right into a panic attack. Driving at night is impossible, my night vision is so bad- causing me to freak out when there is a car behind me or coming towards me. A few nights ago, I jolted awake being unable to breathe in the midst of panic swirling around my brain for absolutely no reason. I had to go to the bathroom and tell myself "You are being silly. You CAN breathe. You ARE getting air into your lungs." It happened once or twice more throughout that night, and it really just kind of blindsides me. There is no reason to feel that way. And it makes me extremely worried for what's to come when these hormones are disturbed even further after I deliver. With the stress of having 2 newborns at the same time, plus two pretty needy toddlers....I'm pretty confident that I'll need some sort of help. I've thought about looking into a psychologist here in town-one that I actually feel comfortable with, enough to tell my real feelings to- but the process just exhausts me. Can't they just show up at my door with a list of their qualities so I can pick and choose that way?? Ha.
Well...this entry certainly took an unexpected turn. I've left a lot of things out about what I experienced during my post-partum days and my earlier bouts of depression...If anyone can relate or would like to share stories, ask questions, or give advice-I'd love it. This blog has really opened up communication with so many unexpected people and I really enjoy hearing from you all.
I hope you are all doing well. Much love, until next time.
For whatever reason I'm finding inspiration very hard to come by. I didn't intend for this blog to be solely about my pregnancy, but that's exactly what it's become, and anymore when I talk about it...I feel like I'm complaining, which drives me insane. A lot has been going on. Some good, some...not. I guess I'll just start with a normal update and see how things progress from there.
A few weeks ago I started experiencing some Braxton Hicks contractions. It started at work and they were frighteningly regular for about an hour. The doctor on call told me to leave work immediately and go home to lay down and chug water. They slowed down and spaced apart but it was very painful, something I have not experienced in either of my pregnancies before. I had some Braxton Hicks with both, but nothing extreme and certainly not painful like that. Even while I was on the full dose of Pitocin with Aiden (in REAL labor), trying to get my cervix to change, my contractions did not hurt that bad. So that scared me. I started to notice that the more I walked, or stood still...basically any time I'm on my feet, my stomach starts to really cramp up. 2 weeks ago, while at work, in the middle of a rush- I felt the need to sit down so badly but there is no sitting down in the middle of lunch rush. I work at Panera Bread and when people are hungry for their soups and sammies, they just keep coming in-no breaks. No rest. I was literally leaning my whole body against the counter, trying to find some relief from being on my feet. And I was only on shift for an hour and a half before it started to hurt that bad! I came to the realization that I'm no good for work right now. Physically? I could probably manage with a BUNCH of breaks...we're talking sitting down every time there isn't a customer coming through the door. Lifting things? Out of the question. Bending down? Ha. You're funny. I thought about it long and hard and really, I feel like I'm just holding everything up when I work. I make up for my inability to perform with my dazzling personality (insert sarcasm here), but personality can't help the rest of my co-workers when it's crazy busy and I have to sit down. So, I asked for a Leave of Absence until the twins get here. My manager was very understanding, I think everyone could see how much pain I was really in. Even at home, I can barely wash the dishes without taking a break. It's kind of pathetic. So, it's been about a week since I asked for my leave and I've been getting some stuff caught up...mostly cleaning around the house, and the baby shower invitations addressed and sent out. I feel accomplished about that stuff but...
I can't seem to shake off this anxiety and depression issue. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that once the babies come, I'll need some sort of help. I refuse to take yet another antidepressant. For those of you who don't know my history...well it's been a long battle with depression from a very early age. I've seen numerous psychologists, and been prescribed numerous pills...non of which helped in any facet of the imagination. Most of the pills made the depression worse...a dangerous side effect. A few numbed me out to feel or care about absolutely nothing-but caused me to tremble and shake. And also? When I say "care about nothing"...it included whether I took a flying leap off a cliff or not. Another dangerous side effect, indeed. My depression issues would come and go, some days I could manage it, some days I would hide it. When I had Aiden, my post partum depression was so bad, that I sought help from a doctor and he prescribed me an antidepressant. Which, I fully believe, tipped the scale for me into full blown post partum psychosis. I was...simply put- a crazy person. I was not myself and made decisions that did not make sense. I feel like a lot of things could have been avoided, had I not taken that pill. Strangely, even with a whole BUNCH of drama, and being pregnant with Jaxon, my depression seemed to lessen dramatically at about my 7th month. When I had Jaxon, I experienced a tiny bout of post partum, but I refused to let it get to me. I zeroed in on my baby and willed those feelings away. I think I was depression free by the 2nd week of his life. Now, the years between my pregnancy with Jaxon and now have been up and down, but mostly? My depression has been extremely manageable. I had noticed, though, that while my depression was almost a non-issue...my anxiety was becoming worse and worse. Going to the store, even by myself, would cause me to fall right into a panic attack. Driving at night is impossible, my night vision is so bad- causing me to freak out when there is a car behind me or coming towards me. A few nights ago, I jolted awake being unable to breathe in the midst of panic swirling around my brain for absolutely no reason. I had to go to the bathroom and tell myself "You are being silly. You CAN breathe. You ARE getting air into your lungs." It happened once or twice more throughout that night, and it really just kind of blindsides me. There is no reason to feel that way. And it makes me extremely worried for what's to come when these hormones are disturbed even further after I deliver. With the stress of having 2 newborns at the same time, plus two pretty needy toddlers....I'm pretty confident that I'll need some sort of help. I've thought about looking into a psychologist here in town-one that I actually feel comfortable with, enough to tell my real feelings to- but the process just exhausts me. Can't they just show up at my door with a list of their qualities so I can pick and choose that way?? Ha.
Well...this entry certainly took an unexpected turn. I've left a lot of things out about what I experienced during my post-partum days and my earlier bouts of depression...If anyone can relate or would like to share stories, ask questions, or give advice-I'd love it. This blog has really opened up communication with so many unexpected people and I really enjoy hearing from you all.
I hope you are all doing well. Much love, until next time.
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