It's the last day of 2017. Last few hours, actually. It's evening now and everyone is settling down. Dinner is in the oven, laundry is being washed. Toys have been left in the living room, where I sit with my heart aching.
2017 has not been kind to me, or to my family. I won't say I've had some of my highest highs, but I did have some good times this past year. But the lows....oh, the lows.
I've experienced more heartbreak than I can stand this year.
Personal family troubles, financial strain, illness, anxiety attacks, depression....all of those things (while at the time were so serious) seem so insignificant compared to the sudden death of my mom in September. After her loss, there was very little joy to be had. Even on the good days, they were just.... days without her. My 29th birthday was the first birthday spent without her, Aiden and Jaxon's birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now New Year's Eve...
I'm dwelling so hard tonight. I can get through my days using distraction. It gets me by, I can function and do what I need to do. I take care of my kids, I go to work, I run errands, I pay bills, I go to bed and I wake up and do the same thing the next day. There's beauty in the monotony- maybe if I stay busy, stay on track, my mind won't wander.
Tonight, that isn't working. I know I should stay busy, fight the thoughts with chores that keep my hands busy. But the menial tasks I've started all day do nothing to quiet those thoughts, or soothe the pain in my chest.
God, I miss my mom. I close my eyes and I can see her. In the stillness of the night, I can hear her. When my dad was recently admitted to the hospital, she was the first person I thought to call. And I'm always left with the same hollow disbelief when I remember that she isn't here.
I'm still so bitter. I sound like a broken record and I hate it. Some days, I'm fine when I wake up. And some days, I don't want to get out of bed. The grief hasn't diminished in the least. It's unpredictable. It's not what I expected- I expected to feel morose all day every day, to eventually fade with the passing of time. I suppose I should be grateful that it's not like that. Instead, I am constantly exhausted from the back and forth. And when it is a bad day, like today, it's all encompassing. It hasn't faded, it comes back again and again with the same intensity and it still takes my breath away with it's force.
I guess I should remain hopefully that next year will be better. That maybe I can work on healing myself. I should strive to become healthier both mentally and physically.
It's just hard to be positive when I've been surrounded with negative for months.
I do know that tonight, when the clock strikes midnight, I will not be disappointed to see 2017 go. I will not cheer and clap. I will take a breath, and move on to the next day.
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