It's the last day of 2017. Last few hours, actually. It's evening now and everyone is settling down. Dinner is in the oven, laundry is being washed. Toys have been left in the living room, where I sit with my heart aching.
2017 has not been kind to me, or to my family. I won't say I've had some of my highest highs, but I did have some good times this past year. But the lows....oh, the lows.
I've experienced more heartbreak than I can stand this year.
Personal family troubles, financial strain, illness, anxiety attacks, depression....all of those things (while at the time were so serious) seem so insignificant compared to the sudden death of my mom in September. After her loss, there was very little joy to be had. Even on the good days, they were just.... days without her. My 29th birthday was the first birthday spent without her, Aiden and Jaxon's birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now New Year's Eve...
I'm dwelling so hard tonight. I can get through my days using distraction. It gets me by, I can function and do what I need to do. I take care of my kids, I go to work, I run errands, I pay bills, I go to bed and I wake up and do the same thing the next day. There's beauty in the monotony- maybe if I stay busy, stay on track, my mind won't wander.
Tonight, that isn't working. I know I should stay busy, fight the thoughts with chores that keep my hands busy. But the menial tasks I've started all day do nothing to quiet those thoughts, or soothe the pain in my chest.
God, I miss my mom. I close my eyes and I can see her. In the stillness of the night, I can hear her. When my dad was recently admitted to the hospital, she was the first person I thought to call. And I'm always left with the same hollow disbelief when I remember that she isn't here.
I'm still so bitter. I sound like a broken record and I hate it. Some days, I'm fine when I wake up. And some days, I don't want to get out of bed. The grief hasn't diminished in the least. It's unpredictable. It's not what I expected- I expected to feel morose all day every day, to eventually fade with the passing of time. I suppose I should be grateful that it's not like that. Instead, I am constantly exhausted from the back and forth. And when it is a bad day, like today, it's all encompassing. It hasn't faded, it comes back again and again with the same intensity and it still takes my breath away with it's force.
I guess I should remain hopefully that next year will be better. That maybe I can work on healing myself. I should strive to become healthier both mentally and physically.
It's just hard to be positive when I've been surrounded with negative for months.
I do know that tonight, when the clock strikes midnight, I will not be disappointed to see 2017 go. I will not cheer and clap. I will take a breath, and move on to the next day.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Friday, December 8, 2017
Nights in White Satin
Bear with me during this post. It is going to be filled with rambling, but it's the start of something... I think.
My dad posted something today in my mom's tribute page on Facebook. Typically, I stay away from that page, as it is pretty painful to go through for me. But today he posted a video of a group performing a song, and titled it "The Last CD Cathy Gave Me."
The band was the Moody Blues, and the song was "Nights in White Satin". Keep that in mind.
Some back story-
A few months before my mom passed away, I remember being in her kitchen with her. I remember this so vividly, it could have happened yesterday. We were just...being together. If you saw how my mom and I operated together, then you understand what I mean. Bouncing back and forth, talking with each other, over each other, at each other. We stumbled onto the topic of the shows I had been attending.
Recently, I have discovered a passion for EDM. I realize how silly I sound. But, I don't particularly care. The atmosphere of these shows is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. The individuals that I have encountered (Or that have encountered ME) are some of the best, most kind hearted humans I have ever come across. The people there-shows, festivals- live their lives in a different way- and look at other people in a different way...It's hard to describe unless you are immersed in it. They make me want to be a better person. I found true joy among these people, with my friends, in the music, and in the message.
Because of this newfound passion, I started having ideas for my future. How can this become something that I keep in my life, and incorporate it with other things that I love? Things like photography- which is something I would like to do throughout my life, to express myself artistically. I toyed around with the idea of taking pictures at these types of shows- shots of people enjoying the music, interacting with each other, and at the same time promoting the things I feel important- like love, and kindness.
That day, in the kitchen with my mom, I remember rambling off these ideas. I remember feeling so genuinely excited and happy, and wanting so badly to share this with my mom. I remember the feeling of intense appreciation when my mom showed enthusiasm for this side of me. She always encouraged me, but I could always tell when she was legitimately happy...with anything really. When she saw how excited I was....it made her happy. I could see it. And I was so happy, that she was happy. "Go for it. You have to go for this. Absolutely."
Those words have been in my head, relentlessly. They give me drive. I will continue with this. This will not be one of the many things that I give up. My whole life has consisted of being content with mediocrity, because I didn't push myself hard enough. I envied the tenacity I saw in my peers and wondered when I would find something that gave me ambition. Something that got me out of the slump that depression had me in for most of my high school and college years. My children were the first to change that. I had to, and continue to, work hard to be the mom I want to be. They are the best things to ever happen to me. But, just for me, music and photography have been the things I turn to- happy, sad, angry...All of the feelings inside of me, I have always found comfort in music. And personal satisfaction in photography.
So, finding EDM and feeling so inspired on so many levels gave me ideas I shared with my mom. And while I spouted all of these random things, I told her I wanted to show her a song, and what it looks like live. That song was by a group, that I have now seen live, called Zeds Dead. It was titled "White Satin", a remix of Moody Blues; "Nights In White Satin". She was so excited to hear and recognize the song, and responded (of course) but showing me the original version.
I am certain that our talk prompted her gift of the Moody Blues CD to my dad. Just as I am certain that my mom would want to see me go to Electric Forest.
Our talks about everything eventually led to the music festival called Electric Forest, especially when my best friends attended in July of this year. I had wanted to go for several years, but it wasn't feasible while the twins were infants. This last July, though, I followed the festival so closely. I researched, I watched video after video, I clicked through hundreds of pictures- trying to "experience" the festival with my friends as best as I could from far away. The more I learned, the more I told my mom. And then, I was contacted by a brand representative for a company that embodies the style and culture of the festival goers. When I told my mom this, she was completely on board with getting me to the next festival. Electric Forest 2018. We planned it out. She offered to watch the boys. We joked about how my pictures will get me press passes for backstage events for HER. (I am laughing out loud as I type).
And then....the world stopped.
Everything went cold.
Dark.
I am still immersed in it, but there is a flame. A small ember of hope, deep inside of my heart.
She wanted this for me. She wanted me to continue with this. I am certain. I can feel it.
And because of this, I will be attending Electric Forest 2018. I will do it for my mom, and I will do it for myself. Even if nothing comes from it, but the healing of my heart.
Nothing is Coincidence.
Not anymore.
I leave you with the song I showed my mom, in a kitchen full of laughter, and warmth.
Zeds Dead-White Satin
My dad posted something today in my mom's tribute page on Facebook. Typically, I stay away from that page, as it is pretty painful to go through for me. But today he posted a video of a group performing a song, and titled it "The Last CD Cathy Gave Me."
The band was the Moody Blues, and the song was "Nights in White Satin". Keep that in mind.
Some back story-
A few months before my mom passed away, I remember being in her kitchen with her. I remember this so vividly, it could have happened yesterday. We were just...being together. If you saw how my mom and I operated together, then you understand what I mean. Bouncing back and forth, talking with each other, over each other, at each other. We stumbled onto the topic of the shows I had been attending.
Recently, I have discovered a passion for EDM. I realize how silly I sound. But, I don't particularly care. The atmosphere of these shows is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. The individuals that I have encountered (Or that have encountered ME) are some of the best, most kind hearted humans I have ever come across. The people there-shows, festivals- live their lives in a different way- and look at other people in a different way...It's hard to describe unless you are immersed in it. They make me want to be a better person. I found true joy among these people, with my friends, in the music, and in the message.
Because of this newfound passion, I started having ideas for my future. How can this become something that I keep in my life, and incorporate it with other things that I love? Things like photography- which is something I would like to do throughout my life, to express myself artistically. I toyed around with the idea of taking pictures at these types of shows- shots of people enjoying the music, interacting with each other, and at the same time promoting the things I feel important- like love, and kindness.
That day, in the kitchen with my mom, I remember rambling off these ideas. I remember feeling so genuinely excited and happy, and wanting so badly to share this with my mom. I remember the feeling of intense appreciation when my mom showed enthusiasm for this side of me. She always encouraged me, but I could always tell when she was legitimately happy...with anything really. When she saw how excited I was....it made her happy. I could see it. And I was so happy, that she was happy. "Go for it. You have to go for this. Absolutely."
Those words have been in my head, relentlessly. They give me drive. I will continue with this. This will not be one of the many things that I give up. My whole life has consisted of being content with mediocrity, because I didn't push myself hard enough. I envied the tenacity I saw in my peers and wondered when I would find something that gave me ambition. Something that got me out of the slump that depression had me in for most of my high school and college years. My children were the first to change that. I had to, and continue to, work hard to be the mom I want to be. They are the best things to ever happen to me. But, just for me, music and photography have been the things I turn to- happy, sad, angry...All of the feelings inside of me, I have always found comfort in music. And personal satisfaction in photography.
So, finding EDM and feeling so inspired on so many levels gave me ideas I shared with my mom. And while I spouted all of these random things, I told her I wanted to show her a song, and what it looks like live. That song was by a group, that I have now seen live, called Zeds Dead. It was titled "White Satin", a remix of Moody Blues; "Nights In White Satin". She was so excited to hear and recognize the song, and responded (of course) but showing me the original version.
I am certain that our talk prompted her gift of the Moody Blues CD to my dad. Just as I am certain that my mom would want to see me go to Electric Forest.
Our talks about everything eventually led to the music festival called Electric Forest, especially when my best friends attended in July of this year. I had wanted to go for several years, but it wasn't feasible while the twins were infants. This last July, though, I followed the festival so closely. I researched, I watched video after video, I clicked through hundreds of pictures- trying to "experience" the festival with my friends as best as I could from far away. The more I learned, the more I told my mom. And then, I was contacted by a brand representative for a company that embodies the style and culture of the festival goers. When I told my mom this, she was completely on board with getting me to the next festival. Electric Forest 2018. We planned it out. She offered to watch the boys. We joked about how my pictures will get me press passes for backstage events for HER. (I am laughing out loud as I type).
And then....the world stopped.
Everything went cold.
Dark.
I am still immersed in it, but there is a flame. A small ember of hope, deep inside of my heart.
She wanted this for me. She wanted me to continue with this. I am certain. I can feel it.
And because of this, I will be attending Electric Forest 2018. I will do it for my mom, and I will do it for myself. Even if nothing comes from it, but the healing of my heart.
Nothing is Coincidence.
Not anymore.
I leave you with the song I showed my mom, in a kitchen full of laughter, and warmth.
Zeds Dead-White Satin
Nights in white satin
Never reaching the end
Letters I've written
Never meaning to send
Never reaching the end
Letters I've written
Never meaning to send
Beauty I'd always missed
With these eyes before
Just what the truth is
I can't say any more
With these eyes before
Just what the truth is
I can't say any more
'Cause I love you
Yes I love you
Oh how I love you
Yes I love you
Oh how I love you
Gazing at people, some hand in hand
Just what I'm going through they can't understand
Some try to tell me, thoughts they cannot defend
Just what you want to be, you will be in the end
Just what I'm going through they can't understand
Some try to tell me, thoughts they cannot defend
Just what you want to be, you will be in the end
And I love you
Yes I love you
Oh how I love you
Oh how I love you
Yes I love you
Oh how I love you
Oh how I love you
Nights in white satin
Never reaching the end
Letters I've written
Never…
Never reaching the end
Letters I've written
Never…
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