My life has changed so drastically since my last blog post. But, this month...my world stopped.
On Tuesday, September 12th, 2017, my mom died.
Without warning, without illness, without answers.
There's so much I want to say, but my mind is still so scrambled and nothing makes sense.
Right now, it still feels very surreal. Like she's on vacation, and she'll come home any minute. Like she'll walk through the door, laughing, and wrap her arms around me in press a big smacking kiss on my cheek, literally saying "MMMMMWAAHHHH" as she does it.
I can hear her so clearly that it seems almost possible that she's just in the other room.
But she isn't.
Damnit, I had all these things I wanted to say. All these "otherworldly" experiences I wanted to share. I wanted to talk about what it was like to speak at my mom's funeral, with a crippling case of stage fright. I wanted to recount the last day I had with my mom. I wanted to open up and get all of these feelings out.
But I just can't get it out.
Today was my first day back to work and it was so hard to pretend like everything is okay.
It isn't. It feels like it won't ever be okay.
I miss my mom. I miss her so much I can't breathe. I can't think right. I'm terrified for my dad. I'm terrified for ME. I'm not ready to be without her.
I'm 28. I'm an adult. I have children of my own. I've been living on my own for years. But I am not ready to be without my mommy. This is not how it was supposed to be.
My heart is broken. It HURTS. Everything aches. Even as I smile and try to get through my day.
I want my mom back. I cannot do this alone.
I'm sorry. I wanted to write more. I just can't yet.
Maybe next time.
Until then, if you know me personally, maybe just check in on me. Stop and make sure I am not wallowing. That's all I want to do, is run and hide. If you know me, maybe just...help me not do that.
I don't like asking for help. The person who knew that most is gone now. But I know she would want me to reach out for support.
Cathy Henderson
April 23, 1964 - September 12, 2017
I love you!!! Please keep blogging-writing you have always been so good at it. Much love to you, the boys, and your dad. Love you, Summer
ReplyDeleteIf someone were to ask me what I thought of the above blog & I had to describe in one word it would be "Beautiful."
ReplyDeleteAs hard as this has been, your words are so real & I see your pain, your struggle, your reality, & you are an extension of your momma. You're giving your best to continue to live one day at a time.
All I can say is your momma is smiling from above & she is so very proud of your strength & determination to move forward one day at a time.
Your boys look up to just as you did to your momma. Be their everything & love them unconditionally just as she did for you. She lived an example for you to follow. You now be their example give them what she gave you. This is what she wants for you.
She may not be here physically but she gave you everything you need to be a survivor. ❤️
Love ya Jessica,
Michelle