The good, the bad, and the ugly.

It's been a little while since I've updated. Some of that is due to some serious financial issues we've had (which I'll get in to here in a little bit), and some of it is because I'm in a strange in-between place right now.
My last entry was a little on the negative side. I said what I felt like I needed to say, but I think I hurt some people's feelings in the process, and that was never my intention. I'm sure it's pregnancy hormones, but BIG news...especially news that isn't exactly what I want to hear, I react badly to in the moment. Badly may be a bit of an understatement. I am very easy to cry, to be depressed, and...for lack of a better term...plain old freak out. Which, unfortunately, is how I reacted to the twin boy news.
I am much better, where that is concerned. I feel like everything happens for a reason. I know how to deal with boys. We have named them, and I LOVE their names. We aren't exactly keeping the names a secret, but I guess I prefer being discreet about them? I haven't NOT told anyone that's asked, but I'm not forthcoming with the names right off the bat, like I was with Aiden and Jaxon. I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm just going with it for now. My dad takes me to Omaha on the 27th of this month for my anatomy scan, and I'm really excited! My dad and I have always been close, but when it comes to pregnancy I think it's a little awkward for him, understandably. We haven't really discussed anything about this pregnancy, actually. It doesn't BOTHER me, but I really am looking forward to him getting to actually see an ultrasound! He never has with either of the boys, and I'm excited that we can share a moment, just us two. I warned him already about the goo going on my belly. Ha! It will be neat to see his reaction to seeing the babies and, as always, I love seeing them too.
Well, now to move on to the difficulties we have experienced the last couple weeks. (Which actually starts a couple months ago.) At the end of September, Phillip was let go from his job. It was a sudden and surprising turn of events, because he was the head of the welding department. He immediately started searching for new jobs, including putting his information in to the three staffing agencies here in town. He had very little luck finding ANYTHING. Finally, one of the staffing agencies called him with a last minute job that was...less than exciting. However, we could not afford for him to NOT have a job any longer so he took it, even though it was a cut in pay and hours. We figured with some budgeting, we could manage and still look for something else in the meantime. He was promised 40+ hours a week, and we based our "budget" on him getting those hours consistently. He had a job interview at a place about a half an hour away, that he had worked for before. This job seemed ideal because it was welding, which Phillip has experience doing, and the pay was better. He had a good interview, passed his welding test, and was told he would be getting a call back. Over a month passed, and we never heard back from them. So, with that behind us we tried submitting applications on the internet, while he worked TERRIBLE hours at the unfavorable job. We started to notice that they were cutting hours short about a month ago. It started really cutting back around Thanksgiving. We weren't making enough money to get by any more. We were very late with November's rent and bills, and after Thanksgiving, it only got worse. The first thing to get shut off was our cable and internet. Not a huge deal, you don't need those things to survive. I made some calls to our power company and told them our situation and got a short extension. Rent was not paid in full. Our kitchen was empty of food, save for a few items for the kids that we were trying to make last as far as we could. On the 10th of this month, we received an eviction notice. I got paid from my job that day but could only give a small payment, as I'm only working 2 days a week. There was not enough money for food, for gas, for rent or bills...I had to do what I could to keep a roof over our heads. I went to the salvation army and received help with rent through them. Luckily, we had made small payments to rent so the amount owed was not astronomical. I despise asking for help. It's part pride, but it's also an issue in my mind...Surely there are families in my town that need that money just as badly as we do. And what if, by my accepting help, I'm taking it away from them? It something I still struggle with before I go to bed at night. So, rent was covered for this month, but food and bills were not. In a time of weakness and depression, I updated a status on Facebook about how bad the situation had gotten and how awful I felt that I could not provide for my kids. Phillip was beside himself, as well. I started receiving some messages from friends on Facebook asking for my address. I struggled with the decision to reply. I didn't want to take anything from them, or their families. How can I? When I sent messages back I wanted them to know how much I appreciated their offer, but how much it bothered me inside to accept their gifts. Not because of them at all, but because I should be able to get these simple things for my family. It should not have to be any one else's responsibility. But, at the same time, my empty refrigerator was screaming at me, and the weight of this situation was getting unbearable. I accepted the fact that these people wanted to help me, and I vowed to pay it back in some way, and pay it forward in others. I did find some help from a food pantry in town. They gave us some canned goods and some frozen meats, enough for a few days worth of good meals for the kids and us.  I also got enrolled in the WIC program, finally. That helped us get some milk and eggs and fresh fruits and veggies. These things are so immensely helpful. Our families came together to help us, as well. My mom let us invade her house for a meal while the kids were in daycare. My uncle gave us some gas money to be able to find help. Phillip's mom sent us some gas money as well, and that allowed him to get to Lexington and back( because he got that job finally!), and put gas in my car. My best friend took all of us out for dinner one night. And today, I came home from dropping the kids off to find a large package on my doorstep. One of my friends that had messaged me on Facebook sent us a BEAUTIFUL feast for the holidays. I am simply overwhelmed. Just completely overwhelmed with the support that we've received. Because of the help from others, my family is safe, and warm, and fed....and I just can't thank you all enough. Things got really bad for a while there. Really bad, to a point that I've never really been before. And honestly, even with all of this help, we aren't out of the woods yet. There are still a few odds and ends that I'm working on trying to get figured out, but the overwhelming hopelessness has decreased by A LOT. And I really am grateful. And lucky. Phillip's new job is a huge opportunity, Christmas is coming up soon, and my kids are happy. That's what matters. I really am wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. I can't wait to tell you about my anatomy scan two days later! Love to you all<3

Our package from my friend Megan! So Thankful!!<3

 

The Byrd Brothers.

A lot has been going on the last week or so and I haven't wanted to update too much. I guess now will be a good time to go ahead and get it all out there.
About a week or so ago, I started getting sick. It wasn't awful, and I mostly thought it was allergies, but as the days went on I kept getting worse. Finally, on Thanksgiving Day, I decided to go to the hospital because I stopped being able to feel the babies and my illness was only getting worse. I was worried about having pneumonia, which I have had in the past and it is not fun. At the hospital, I got prescribed antibiotics, and I got an ultrasound to make sure babies were okay. Luckily, they were. Strong heartbeats and wiggling around like crazy (which I could now feel...maybe they just wanted their pictures taken?). The ultrasound tech said at that time that he thought he could see one of them that looked like a boy, but couldn't quite see the second. Which of course, made me feel like I was right, that one was a boy and one was a girl.
After the hospital, I was able to go home and my husband made me and the boys an awesome Thanksgiving dinner. I couldn't taste or eat much, but I was so appreciative that he did that for us. We had a relaxing day, we watched the parade and it was fun watching the boys try all of the holiday foods.
In the middle of my last two appointments, I was getting calls from the Diabetes Center in town, apparently I was required to go to diabetic education. Even though I technically passed my glucose test, I was still high risk and borderline. So, yesterday I had to go to the center and learn about gestational diabetes, what kind of diet to follow, and how to check my blood sugar. They now want me to check my blood sugar 4 times a day (even though she took mine in the office and it was a 97....which is good!) and I got ordered all of the special gadgets to make checking my blood possible.
With everything going on, school has unfortunately taken a back seat. I got officially put on Disability Student Services, because I am high risk and will be missing school. So, I made an appointment for this Wednesday to talk to all of my teachers, and I will be asking for "Incompletes" in my classes. That will give me a full year to get my work completed without having an impact on my GPA. I will be needing to take a year off anyway, the second half of my pregnancy is only going to be harder than my first. And then, I'll have a total of four babies to deal with.
Which leads me to my doctor's appointment yesterday.
We went in after my 24 hour urine analysis (SO MUCH FUN....not). I found out I lost more weight, which is good for me. And, then it was time for ultrasound. We found out that both babies are boys. And I'm going to say in here what I wanted to say on Facebook, and some of you will not like it. When you tell me, "You're going to have your hands full" or "Oh god, what are you going to do?" or "Aww, did you want a girl?", all of those things make me incredibly angry. Why, in your right mind, would you ever say that to someone? Especially some of you who knew how badly I wanted my last pregnancy to result in having a girl. And some of you, who know what I'm going through with my younger son, and how scared I am to add two more boys to it. When you say things like that, it makes me what to completely shut you out. It makes me feel like you do NOT need to be around, you do NOT support me, and it feels like you enjoy taunting me just a little bit. Also, if you say congratulations to my face, and then go behind my back to tell people how awful you feel for me, chances are I'll find that out, if I have not already found out. And chances are, I'll cut off any involvement with you.
I wasn't shy about my preference for a girl this time around, and I even made a public statement that I believed there was one girl twin in there. I truly did believe that, with all of my heart. So, when I found out I'm having two boys, a part of my heart broke because my dreams of having a girl are over. I will not be having any more children. I will not put my body through this again, this has been too incredibly difficult for me. I was not excited when I heard the news of two boys, mostly because of the comments I knew I was going to get, and have indeed gotten. It truly is a shame that I did not want to announce the genders, because I was worried about what my FRIENDS might say. What does that say about the friends I have? I was not excited, and truth be told I'm not excited yet. I know I will be, eventually. I know that I'll love them. And I know I'll handle it, I know how to deal with boys.
Sorry I can't end this on a completely happy note. I already feel bad enough about being disappointed. I know, in the back of my mind, that all that should matter is that babies are healthy. Every mother says that. "Well as long as they're healthy..." and I know, I know. That is what matters. But I think those mothers are lying if they say they didn't have a preference. I'm just not dancing around the fact that I did have one.
I'm sorry, I know this isn't the rainbows and butterflies that a lot of you like to read about. Hopefully my next entry will be a little more on the positive side.