Every since I was a little girl, I can remember longing for one thing more than anything else.
A group of best friends.
I don't know if it stemmed from me being an only child and being terribly lonely, or from me...being an AWKWARD only child with an overactive imagination (which caused me to scare off kids more than attract them to me).
I don't know if it was because of that book titled "Jessica", where the little girl swears up and down that she has a best friends, and her parent's say there was no Jessica (because she was imaginary), but at the end there WAS a Jessica and they did all the things two little 5 year old's do together.
I don't know if it was because every show and movie I was obsessed with as a kid showed a 2,3, or 4 person group with an inseparable bond that went through everything together-the good and the bad, and they knew the could conquer anything life through at them because they had each other.
Maybe it was a combination of all of these things, but the one thing I wanted was a best friend, or a group of best friends, to do life with.
Now, don't get me wrong- after some trial and error, I had some very very close friends growing up. I attached quickly, and almost violently. I had all of this love in my heart that I NEEDED to give to someone, and I NEEDED to feel that love returned. I got jealous, so easily. Especially in high school. I felt very strongly that you could not have more than one BEST friend, and any relationship that existed apart from me and that friend was a threat to what we had.
It wasn't healthy, I know this. I didn't see it at the time, but now I can admit that I was the problem in a lot of those friendships. I had too high expectations- unrealistic, and demanding- and I don't blame people for not sticking around. It was toxic. I was toxic.
Now, I'm an adult. My views on friendship have been refined some, and I see and accept that a friendship does not need to be ALL CONSUMING- ONLY ME ALL THE TIME NO ONE ELSE PLEASE LOVE ME.
But the majority of the friends that I thought that I had in my life, it has come to my attention...don't actually care about me in the slightest.
Now, if you consider yourself my friend, please don't be offended. The mere fact that you're reading this probably means it does not apply to you. I am in the process of deleting and blocking a lot of people on social media, and am considering getting rid of several apps altogether.
The last few days have opened my eyes to the people I interact with regularly. Why am I getting my feelings hurt by people not inviting me places or including me in things? Would they get their feelings hurt, if I didn't invite them?? The answer is no, they would not-because they don't care. Do they think about me? Why don't they reach out, unless the need something from me? I am guilty of caring TOO MUCH. I want people to like me, I need people to love me, to fill some sick hole left behind by the death of my parents and the fact that I give every part of myself away, to my kids, my husband, my job, and yes-to the people I consider friends. I love with every single part of my soul, and I am running on empty and getting very little in return.
I know my life is complicated. I'm in that weird part of my life where half of the people I know are married with kids, stable and monotonous, and the other half are drunk at the bar every weekend (or more). I don't really fit in with either side. Yes, I am married with kids. But I like to have "Me" time and regroup away from them sometimes. That being said, I have no desire to get drunk every weekend, I am tired and I have social anxiety.
All I have wanted is someone to WANT to be around me, even if that means coming out to my house and chatting while I make dinner. Watching Netflix after the kids go to bed. Maybe even *gasp* actually hanging out with me AND my children sometimes??
When my parents died, I was surrounded by people. They all had my back. It's been 7 months since my dad died...and every. single. one of those people have been out of contact with me. For months. I have literally...ONE person who has asked ME to hang out in the last 3 months.
And maybe I'm looking at this wrong, and I should just be grateful that I even have had one person interested in having me around. Maybe that is the case. But if it is, then I feel no sadness deleting the rest of the ones who once claimed to be my friend, from social media, my phone, and my life altogether.
Something I said to someone today, is morbid but 100% accurate.
"If I died today, my funeral would be filled with fake people who have only come around when there is death and destruction, who don't have the courage to actually admit that they don't genuinely care."
I don't need that.
I don't want it.
I would rather have a funeral with 3 people who cry because I'm gone, than a funeral with 50 who showed up because of a sense of obligation.
I don't have a real purpose for this blog other than to get my sadness, disappointment, and resentment out of my body and onto the screen. I am not looking for sympathy, or for anyone to tell me how much "they really do care, even if they haven't been around." That's all fine, I just don't need to hear it. I'm done putting effort into people and getting nothing back. I loved you, I wish you well, but I will not continue being hurt by you. If this means that I have no one left besides my family, then so be it. I'll take my unrealistic expectations, and go.
