I have not been doing well the last few days.
You probably have not noticed, if you do not keep close contact with me.
Hell, even if you do talk with me regularly, it still might not have been apparent. I will shove back my feelings, and laugh-even as I am hollow inside. I want to hide from most people, so maybe it hasn't been apparent at all.
Who knows.
To me, it's obvious.
I don't like the way I'm feeling. I'm angry all the time. At everyone.
The people I'm closest to have been the ones I lash out at. I see myself doing it. And I can't stop it.
If the anger dies down, the hurt takes over.
And then I can't think. I can't breathe. I can't function.
At least when I'm angry, or numb, I can get through my day. Autopilot.
Right now, the anger has subsided some. I finally opened up to some people today, my dad included.
The problem is, I'm sick of talking about it.
I'm so sick of repeating the words.
My mom died.
She died.
That's my reality. It's my identity. I'm not Jessica. I'm the girl who's mom died.
I'm not me anymore.
I don't know if I will ever be me again. It doesn't feel like it. I am changing. I am different that I was.
A friend told me, "Of course this will change you. Everything will be different. And in the end, you won't want to be the old you."
Maybe one day, that will be true. Maybe I will come out of this stronger. Better.
But right now? No. I am not stronger. I am less of a mother. Less of a friend. Less than.
Nothing matters. Nothing is important. I dread the passage of time. I resent the seasons.
It has gotten to the point where the messages from people are fewer, less and less people check up on me. This is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, like I said, I am angry. So the messages that pop up, they aggravate me. How am I?? Ha. Have I found out how my mom died yet??? Seriously?? That's what you want to ask me?? As if you want to know any more than I do. As if you could possibly be more affected by this than I am. Get real.
I'm short with my answers, if I answer at all. That's not fair, I know these people care. But, I can't help it.
So the messages are fewer. Days stretch between people "checking in". And I'm not getting any better.
The façade that I have been putting up is cracking. I sat down to write this blog tonight, and I started bawling in the middle of it. My heart just hurts. I want to be better. I'm disappointed in myself. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, especially my kids. All they get is a mom, who goes through the motions but isn't present. Not like before. And my mom would be on me about keeping these boys happy and healthy. I can hear her voice, telling me to get off my ass and keep my head up for these babies.
But, her voice is far away. Only in memories now. And the enormity of that...it just hurts.
I've not been okay.
I don't know when I'll be okay again.
A song that reminds me of her.
